Growing Up

I got tired waiting for the words he has been saying now,

I almost died to see this look in his eyes,

I did everything a person could have,

For him to want to be just around me all night.

Now he wonders why I am acting indifferent,

When, for months, he didn’t even bother if I was alive.

My friends have started calling me "cold and distant"

But I think I am just done redeeming happiness through people, this time

Because the memories people give, I don’t need them

Just like their stupid penny-cheap promises.

I was Drunk

I walked on that road with you, the one I have only seen once since you shifted there.

I held your hand, I wasn’t scared of rejection, and I don’t applaud your reliability

Cuz you never had it. I did it cuz I was drunk.

I again felt like coming home; to that boy who aged too fast yet never did,

I felt like snow and fire and you throw away my cigarette cuz you cant wait to go in.

My friends thought I was dumb, to be repeating my “mistake”

But I never thought we were one, and you never thought we were anything.

Well maybe I WAS dumb, or in love.. But I like to think I was drunk.

And you kissed me, I kissed you with all of me.. my kiss saying things I never did,

you could have heard it, and you heard what you did and told me to ease it.

Funny how you always come in to prove you are suicide bomb, bag of disappointments,

Funny how long I loved you after you were gone; to have you come back just as disappointing as you had left.

Somehow I left my lockets at your place, the ones my sister sent for me,

And I thought you would be better than throwing them away or keeping them from me,

But you did… like you did to my heart.

There were signs from the start, they were in BOLD on the billboards

I jumped through them, well maybe I was blind, I like to think I was drunk.

Now you called me again, Cuz you know I will come to you from anywhere in the city

Well, I’m sober now… 

and I just realised the only real thing you ever had just died within me.

Good Enough

How I hate waking up to run through another day of work blues,

I bet I would love to wake up before my Alarm rings If I wake up to you,

And I would see your beautiful face and it would all be worth it..

Then I would crib about work and having to see you in 10 hours

And divide those hours and count them down,

sneak out as many texts to you without getting caught.

& then someone’s slow whispering would remind me of your “shh” in bed

Which you do while I lay restless and you are sleepy.

And someone’s joke will remind me of your face that you make

After you say something only you think is funny.

Or my favourite minute when one of my friends would say your name, and ask about you

And I will say your name two more times like it’s music and find another excuse to text you.

I might not quite know how I feel about this or about you

But I know I know you so well, I may not want to know anyone else.

I may not be quite in love with you, I can not yet vouch for my fidelity

But You got me unmatching my Tinder matches and you got me have your timezone in my phone.

Now all the boys are too short, or too indecisive, 
or don't blush with enough colour in their face.

I miss your Yes is Yes, and No is No
I miss how you can't tell I want you to call me when I tell you to- leave me alone.

I miss your Grey is Grey, there’s no other shade.

Those three words are dumb and I don’t know what they mean

But I can try to be good for you; and you are good enough for me.

Have a Problem Being a Man

I see you are sitting online on Whatsapp

And maybe you are also missing what we had,

It's too late in the a.m., you could be checking me
or is there a new man? Well who'd have a problem being yer man..
Does he pull your hair like I did? Do you watch movies with whoever he is? 
& smile when you hear him giggle at something that don't make you laugh?
Does your voice make him uneasy in the stomach? like it does to this man?

Did he ask you to use more of your Car's brakes? This do we really got to complicate?

Knowing you, you are a piece of hard-work.. but I am ready now to put in my efforts,

I even heard your favourite song, I think the lyrics describe what we had going on.

What did we have, girl? Why are you busy pretending you don’t remember?

You cant just cut me off like a flock of your hair. What I did was slightly different,

Ofcourse I'd have a problem being a Man when I'd get caught up with my friends, 
Don’t you know they are all dickheads.

I can’t scroll down your number now and whats his name, the one you brought around

To mess my entity, like a stupid move of Chess.

The bartenders know your name, girl.. Don’t go to the bars I go to

Unless you wanna hear my side of the tale, girl… the one I made where I look good too.

The bartender convinces me you will come around by the time I reach the 4^th round,

But I am sat wondering why it did not work out.. why is my bed-side empty and mind’s not?

But if you are mixing your beers with tears then I am tasting mine with regret,

If you are lying that you don’t care then you should know I haven’t even slept..

Have left the main door open, even got numbers of your favourite Order-In

Got a pack of beers to keep me company until you decide to walk in =)

There's a pack of Marlboro Lights in the drawer next to me,

We will go to the kitchen to light it, whenever you feel like smoking.

Think I will tell the guard to not doze off on duty again, but be sure he lets ya in

Hope you walk in soon, my heart’s sick of dropping beats with every car driving in.

We don’t have to decide tonight, where all we went wrong, or where we goin'

But if you want, I would get my data and make you a presentation,

My friends keep saying I am losing my mind and you are never coming back

Well! They used to say I could do better.. now how wrong was that!

Who cares what they say, girl.. cant be any harder,
I have missed you down to each milliletre of every bottle

I know you are gonna act like it don't even matter,

Cuz you are sick of me, seems like we finally ran out of water.

Think I will be a man and call yer number, if you will listen

But we both know I have a problem being a man and you have a problem listenin'
But see I pressed "Send" on this text, let me hear you drive in to forgive me,

But if you don't, we'd blame it on the late night, empty bed, beers & who I used to be.

Harbour to my Oceans

You are the calm to my disaster,

The pacifier to my Devil,

You are the harbour to my Oceans,

The quiet to my crazy

I run away from everything before it runs away from me,

But here I am with you; sitting, not looking at you or even wondering if you are still there.

You paralyze my runnings, sterilize my anxiety;

I have met human-drugs before, but you are the one that’s anti-toxic.

I just feel like I could back-walk a cliff and you would save me,

Even before I would realize, even before my heart could skip a beat

You get along with all my friends, to an extent they could be jealous,

You put my phone on charge without telling, when I forget to..

You call me beautiful every morning I wake up next to you,

I walk in 24x7, unsafe, post-drinking to quickly collect a thing or two

Just to turn around to see the guy standing close to me is you

Things I have been resisting to feel, or have felt with fear

You give it all and more on a plate to me, and still stay there.

And with your Greece-blue eyes, you became that spot at the end of the road

Where running stops, where one sits and drinks water,

You became the harbour and the anchor..

I am just afraid, what if I am in love with the storms,

what if that's the only thing I have ever known?

What if I am the sailor.

Song of Deborah

Why is everything so easy with you?

How did you iron all these creases so soon?

Why do I not bother my heart might err again?

Or swim in the clouds of illusions that I create.

What if you don’t even know what you are doing?

What if I am giving birth to feelings and you are comfortably unaware?

What if you blind me with Cloud No 9

And then poke a pin and make it rain?

But for now, I am just happy to have you staring at me,

while we make it together another day..

Happy that someone was born with the crazy blue eyes on 28^th,

with possession of a heart that says

“I like you” in reply of “I like you”, not “I like you too”,                

Happy to see you try that I would believe you, even though you know I wont.

And it’s so easy to hope you are wrong, when you tell me you cant be with someone,

As I sit talking to the blushing-face, with the blues of Greece, I found..

As easy as beauty comes to you, when Sun shines on your ocean eyes amidst the desert beige.

And how about you tell me you are not ready, without drawing me in with your playful bantering mouth?

How about you tell me its nothing. while your fingers, on my skin, sing a different, unheard song of Deborah?

how can I act nonchalant, When even your teddy bear awkwardly sees it 

from your wardrobe rack,

as I run paper-cuts through your back

So happy, I cant trust this and then you say you take my incredulity as a compliment anyway..

Not Me!

Remember the time when you were so in love,

And not me..?

Those late night stupid drunk calls, or care-yelling at me cuz you found a new bruise on me,

Or when you could not even type properly

Cuz I had again pissed you out of my repulsion of too much stability?

And nomatter what you did or I did, it wasn’t enough,

Cuz one of us played our relationship like a dirty football on a rainy muddy field,

And it was Not me!

And you wanted to say the precious “I love you”

But not me,

And you began saying it like you meant it, then scrubbed it till it had no meaning.

You were you or someone else, but I still liked him better,

And I was so busy being Queen bee, cuz you would let me to!

Not cuz I wanted to.

I was sure of the presence of your arms even if I would hurt you..

Now look who is winning the Mean Girls tag!

Not me.

I had you right where I liked it.. in my Inbox, In my mailbox, in my head, in my heart,

And when I would get my head together, I would drive to you;

And we would kiss like it’s 2am, like we have been drinking, all night, hard supply of booze,

When really it would be 12 in the afternoon.

Could you find those violent delights somewhere else, babe?

 Could you really want to rely on someone like I did to you?

Well, not me.

You know when you get tired of running into wrong women, and learning different names,

You know when your heart gives up new rules, new games, and new ways of fucking women’s brain,

Be sure of one thing, you could always come back to one person…

Not me! :)