Almosting us!

It will be a very random, digressing post. I shall not be censuring anyone or highlighting follies of men I thought too high of and hoped against hope and good sense, hoping that my knowledge of them might improve for the better with closer acquaintance, but in vain. It’s very selfish how no one wants to be let-down yet wants to not go through any scruples to not let-down others. Then when you do give up on them and give up on waking and sleeping with all this negative feeling, they would blame you (again)… forgetting it shall only make me more confident of having taken this step, and will reduce the regret and missing to as short duration as they possibly could.

And when they yet go ahead and hurt you more with their callousness or lack of care and they think that shall teach you a lesson, No it will only spare us the hurt and concern which we must go through in walking away.

So, I don’t know why people don’t have pretty hearts or why they resist so much to do things out of their comfort zone for us when we would, if in our power. I wonder why affectation or pretense gets them as far as they do than real character or honest nature. I don't know why women are still straight when men have turned into these bitches, pussies or princesses. I don’t know whether to name this post “Love should come easy” or “Love is a battlefield” or “Move on stupid girl” or “Optimism is lack of common sense” or “LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS INFRONT OF WHOM HE TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT”.

Anyway, I am sure people who know my life know where this is coming from. I read this blog post “Adorable Things People In Relationships Do For Each Other“* and I felt like I-don’t-know-this-feeling.

1. Make impromptu plans.   (HELL NO. "Sorry, you didnt give me a heads up")
2. Make an honest and thorough effort to understand something the other person is passionate about. (Nope)
3. Send each other quotes, songs and clips from movies. ("No relevance, stop/ Chill")
4. Give each other really huge hugs where someone is inevitably lifted off the ground when they see each other for the first time in a while. (Nope)
5. Speak kindly of the people that they know matter to them. (NOPE)
6. Make sure they always feel like they’re loved and that there’s someone who will always be there for them at the end of the day. (????)

Well I personally feel that if I don’t wanna see the guy I am dating when drunk, then I shouldn’t really be dating him. And if he doesn’t wanna reciprocate it, then maybe I walked too long on this path of illusion and maybe I am that deer running after water in Deserts, unaware of the reality… Maybe hope and optimism are not virtues anymore. If you call him and he doesn’t take it, if you wanna see him and he doesn’t feel that way, If you put your picture and he asks you to take it down, If he doesn’t do something you beg/request him to do infront of your friends, then Congrats you really are an optimist with a great deal of pretty in "Pretty hearts" and perseverance.. with lack of sight of wtf is going on. This is for all the women who just don’t know why they are not giving up on men who are only almosting them, and are in return trying, trying and trying… and maybe crying to sleep one night because of all the confusion, hurt, calls not taken, messages not replied to, asked to "Chill" when you sent incessant banter playful texts, lack of light in the tunnel and all the almosting.
You must stop, just stop. 
He will always almost you.

You Learn

With time, you realize what’s yours is yours,

And what didn’t belong to you was just a borrowed toy,

You learn to forgive, cuz it’s much easier that way,

When you forgive, You take back the powers you gave them.

You learn Love is not rosy and it definitely is not easy,

You learn it’s not meant for everyone and it’s not a defeat.

You learn words change sooner than seasons,

And seasons bring old memories to people,

of other people they spent nights with, time with.

You learn you can live life fixing what was broken,

Or you can walk away finding another love,

There is no right way, there’s no manual,

You wont get it right, you will always mess up.

No matter what happens, there is only one rule,

There is no rule except don’t be a push over.

You will learn you will never totally forget them,

You will learn I-love-yous don’t mean security

And kisses aren’t promises.

Hesitation to commit is not deceit,

And being cold doesn’t mean having fences.

You will learn you will find love as deep as oceans,

And no matter how strong the attraction,

Something, someone will always cause differences.

You will learn no matter how much hard you try,

The voice that made you weak will find his/her sharks,

In the love you two begot as deep as oceans,

And their demons will make two backs*

on the musics of your emotions.

But know that The robbed that smiles,

lets known he doesn’t want what is stolen,

Steals something more precious

Than just wasted time from the robber.

You learn the only trick to be together no matter what

Is to be together, no matter what.

But then again Love is not for everyone,

cuz not everyone mocks at Love.

*make two backs - to sleep together.

Monogamy

I am not the biggest fan of relationships, and definitely not marriage. I don’t vouch for my fidelity and I definitely have trust-issues with the men I date. I don’t think it says anything about me or the men I have got the chance to cross paths with (who lock their phones around me!!); it’s the age we are born in. 

We have Whatsapp, Facebook, Tinder,  Kik; our divorce rates and life expectancy have increased. We get just too many chances to mess up but it also means we have just as many chances to get it right. So when asked to write this post, I chose to write about Monogamy and whether or not it’s even practical or is it but a theory or is this theory even practical. 

So, if you get the jitters when someone talks about your marriage or if you have been cheated on one too many times, maybe you are cynical about the idea of soul-mate; and happy endings to you are walking away; or if  the thought of your partner hanging out with his/her ex-es infuriates you yet you do the same, if you feel lonely in his/her presence sometimes or if you are the player in the group.. I believe this post is going to hit close to home.

I might come off as a cynic but trust me I am not, I am just too aware of what's going on. No one wants to settle with what they have or what they get or what they adored 3 weeks ago. I mean I am in favour of Monogamy, ask the men I have been with. I get all girl-retarded when I think they are cheating on me.. but I do have my moments too, regretfully. But then I am honest and transparent, and I doubt men are. I asked my guy friends if they think Monogamy is feasible, they said hell no. One of my guy friends told me “Don't get attached. When you do, you get hurt. Love infects you, you need to have Anti-Virus.” I have seen my guy friends tell girls that they LOVE them, in the same day that they slept with another woman in the back of their car.

When I ask my girl friends, the answer is the same; obviously coated in somewhat hope that this ideology could work for them. And no, my friends aren’t whores, and no, I didn’t ask my expat friends. This coming from Indians is a big change. Foreigners are born cringing at the whole thought of monogamy/relationship/marriage (most of them); Indians on the other hand, are born to get married one day... preferably in their 20s.

For instance, When I began dating this guy, my friends prepared a mine of raillery against my devotion. There were times, they playfully talked about my marriage and honestly it was not even close to funny and now I wonder why I didn’t enjoy it.. I would love the stable presence of a guy I like in my life but Marriage subconsciously registers Monogamy and I doubt if it’s realistic. While I write this, I am sitting with a married friend of mine and he is disturbing me with weird sounds he is making to attract a 2 year old kid (who is annoying his beautiful mom) in this coffee house and when I asked him - why does he even like kids; he answered nonchalantly, with zero guilt – “To cajole the cow, you have to cajole it’s calf.” This is EVERYWHERE. No one is satisfied with what they have. Is grass really greener on the other side? Or have we stopped watering ours? Is it because our partners don’t give us enough space? But space for WHAT, is the question. Or do we walk out on the road, comparing different people to the one we are seeing/married to. Are we the type who goes to a restaurant and likes what the table next to theirs has ordered than the chilli chicken we are paying for?

But then wont we all like Aston Martin. But then would you trade your car for it? I wont, I am attached to mine. Hah It’s a lie. I would. I am infected too. We all are, we don’t value emotions, attachments or connections as much as we do the thrill, change and something new to discover.
The problem I saw in a lot of 30 something single men/women is they are all waiting for a miracle instead of being a miracle. Everyone says they would make such a great partner but they just have not found the right one yet, So who are all those different women/men every night of the week? Friends? Who are these people that tag pictures with you on Facebook? Friends?

A 40 something expat friend of mine just broke up with his 2 years girlfriend, I asked him if I could maybe help. His answer was – “You know the nights are great.. but I feel lonely and bored with her on a certain Sunday Morning or Monday nights." That's the thing, we give up. No one is chagrined or surprised by the conclusion of their relationship with someone. No one is anymore taken aback when it doesn't work out. We don't try to make it work anymore. We don't make amends, we TRY to move on instead. We advise our friends the same.

When a guy asks me, anymore, if we could be exclusive.. the first thing I say to him is “Don’t cheat on me.” But why do I pre-conceive that he would, when I could cheat just as well? Why are we cynical when it comes to being vulnerable or opening up? Why do we think the worst of the future situations? Maybe because we know our tastes change, maybe because since birth we loathe the idea of having to wear a certain uniform to School.. because it gets boring and bland after a point of time.. and then we fold our socks to our ankles and roll up the sleeves. And then there comes a point in every relationship when romance gives way to reality; it just depends what your time period is.. or what we call expiry date.

So, maybe it’s time we stop being so hard on our partners, people that we address as Players, and on Kristin Stewart, Ashton Kutcher.

Polygamy is so well-registered in our heads now that if a girl meets a cute guy, they literally don’t wake up expecting a text next day. Guys are not boyfriends anymore, they are just somebody you are trying on. I don’t know if these are the fences we create around our hearts of zero expectations to protect ourselves from getting hurt by one of the so many frogs we kiss.. or have we found our new religion in Polygamy and we are practicing our newly fostered faith... or if it is but the generation and circumstances that are making us to?

It’s obviously because we do have a lot of fish in the sea and with all this technology, age of hookups, friends with benefits and online dating, we got access to the whole damn ocean! So how do we expect people to pair up and stay monogamous until death do them apart? As much as I would love to, I know it is not possible.

But what if I don’t want one of the fish... what if I want my Shark? 

Now you'd say - there are plenty of sharks in the oceans too. 

Two Months Notice

I wake up every morning feeling it might be the last time we kiss,
the real last time for our doubtful last times, 
the last time you possess powers in this,
the last time I am certain of your incessant texts, 
the last time I get to lay my head on your chest. 
the last time I wake up from your dream to your arms,
the last time I hand you the powers which cost my heart,
But I know there will never be a last time, cuz we always fall back,
after some months full of pangs of missing, we resume from where we'd left,
The feelings we breathe aren't the feelings easily altered,
with passing hours, weeks of grief or distance of lands and water
Cuz the raptures your presence gifts is bigger than the tears of your absence,
and I know no matter what goes wrong, I will take you back in a second. (maybe more)
and thank God for that.

And I don’t know what makes me blinded to the faults in you,
And if you wanna walk away, you know I'll never stop you,
I'll not be on my knees; But I’ll hide your running shoes.
If you banish me, banish me from walking away from you,
And if you ever want to cheat, cheat on forgetting about me.
I hope you never have to look back in life, And if you do, look back at me,
when we fuck up and you move on, cuz we are not perfect and this isnt a movie.

I want you to know you are my gravity & I’ll be sick everyday if you were the cure,
Your demons play well with mine, and your angels complete my jigsaw amour.
you are your name on me with permanent marker, that no remover can remove,
The easiest thing to do, currently, is to fall in love with you,
You are my passion subject, attraction magnet, 
You make sense to the cheesy movie scenes; cuz I believe you have the ocean-eyes,
made of b'ful colours that look prettier when you drown in them each time.

I know my cryptic mind makes you do a lot of running,
And when you have made up your mind that you’ve had enough of this,
I hope you give me two months notice to win you back again.  :)

Catch 22

I'm in constant battle with what's right and what's wrong,
A constant battle between my self-righteous mind and To-fuck-with-right heart.

You had me by the bell, black dolls, spells and candles.
and I was hanging there by your every word, every memory,
that would get me through.
You were as unreliable as someone who'ld leave at the altar.
Got me thinking why was I even attracted to you? 
You had me hanging from your hands on a 123rd floor's balcony,
and just kept muttering the words "It's time you fall for me, boo".
Maybe I had turned into a masochist, just attracted to the blues.

Cuz you were a broken window on a February night, 
had me shivering in the cold from the night and your soul.
You were an empty pistol amidst a downtown fight, 
had me waiting on strangers to save my life & bones.

With all of that, I still miss who you were,
When you weren't all of this that you came around to be,
Maybe we should have begun on one of the days in leap years,
The days that never exist cuz we weren't either meant to be.

Power-play

Well, You could run all you want,
Because you’ll be wasting your time.
You begin to insult me 
when you begin expecting your name on my life.
I am not ruthless, but it’s a very interesting type.
I am definitely not the stupid girl you leave 
hoping she’ld be holding her breath too engaged in finding where your heart hides,
waiting on the suffering your mardiness begets, waiting for your name on her mobile.
You should know I am better than that,
Better than being all about some guy,
I don’t know what part of “I’m scared of attachments” Men fail to understand,
But isn’t comprehending emotions something they fail at all the time?

They think they have the upper hand, 
Cuz their emotions run out of the window
As soon as someone knocks on their door, 
But baby I’m not like most of the girls you know,
I just want the bright lights all the time,
Unlimited beer and my girls, with my feelings in my hand,
and heart protected with quadruple barb-fenced wire.
I'm sorry if I'm just as cold & calculated as you. 
That I can just turn my feelings on & off & throw 'em away a 1000 miles,
Expected emotions from the wrong girl, didn’t you?


It’s a sick game of power play that I play,
punishing you for making me feel like I could feel for you,
So, I lead you on and disappear when you are knocking at my door,
It’s sick game of feeling love and feeling control,
You take back one step baby, And I’ll run back a hundred more. 
My dog plays with squirrels for hours before killing it,
And once he has succeeded in this natural victory,
He doesn’t even go close to it, doesn’t even look in it’s direction,
Once it's dead the fun's over, & I’m not the squirrel in this story.

Shut you out

You were heavy-handed, heavy-hearted,
When you bid goodbye and plane departed,
I knew it’s the last time I saw a bit of you,
The last time for a long time or the last time for good.
And you got off the plane and I received a text from you,
It was a pic of the town too cold to let go of you,
And then I sent a forlorn picture and you sent one too,
And then missing began and forgetting slipped in too,
And I don’t know if you know but I’m sure you do,
When you see a shooting star,
it’s just falling for you,
& I asked him to look after your sleeping hours,
when you awe at the new-familiarity of the Moon.
And now the matchobox isn’t kept where it once used to,
in the left top 2nd drawer in your bathroom,
And now you aren’t the face behind my lit cigarette,
Sitting in front of me on that couch you lifted and brought out,
Nor the guy behind the incessant texting,
Pulling me back in while I'm trying my best to shut you out.
Should have shut you out.

And I know it could get better or it could fade into the dust,
I’ll tell you "Asshole, It was easy" if you tell me to fight for you,
Or tell me it’s not working with this time zone and white girls,
And I’ll tell you "Babe, it is easy, I anyway don’t care about you.
I had shut you out long before you knew."
So get out of my blog page, and text me a hey,
So I check it and not reply and shut you out all day,
And then you get mind-fucked
and annoy me like you then did.
Cuz I fucking miss you
and your no-mercy no-compassion obnoxious banter,
And I miss being a dick till I’m on your every bloody nerve,
And I miss the auto ride listening to country songs,
and waking up, hoping there was more to the dawn,
And I miss you and I miss your every single word.
So come back or text me when you get sick of the town,
and sick of the cold wind messing your hair,
Cuz how am I supposed to shut you out now?
When you aren’t even there.

You Don't Care, Girl

Tell me that you don't care, girl

Makes you feel you got a grip?

Push away your urge to text me,

Makes you feel pretty perfect?

Then get drunk one night and become an emotional wreck

Go ahead build your walls so high

That I confuse it for a fortress

Well I don't know what hurt you,

and I don't want to.

All I know is I am not leaving 

and I am not going to let you.

So come on in and let me in too,

You have been running from feeling for so long,

I wonder if you even remember you can stop?

And I know I don't know 
what has killed you from the inside,

and I am not giving up tonight 
or any day of this life.

So break it down, break it down

all these walls that you built around

or I will have to dig a tunnel
and I shall meet your softer side somehow.

You come over and you kiss me,
and then vanish for a week,
You say "C u soon" and then take forever,
Sure it makes you feel like you got your act together.
But you can stay here, you don't have to go,
You like to feel in control when you bolt.
You act like you are Ice cold, like you are a fucking tiger,
but girl, this ain't no fight and baby u ain't no fighter.
You need to know there's a reason feelings are meaningful,
all of those songs aren't lies,
So let me see your vulnerable,
Let me see beneath your "I-Don't-Care" smiles.

Farewell - But come when you may

Farewell - But come when you may!

When the sanity of your job frustrates, 

When your cabin, colleagues and coffee machine 

appear to you as slaves,

when it gets too cold and accents are too easy to understand,

Come when you feel, cross over the sea, 

it is the land of the free. 

But when you are there,

Have a drink for me, but not wine :P

then send a couple of texts, 

and feel Time zone kill the vibe.

and gradually, we will feel 

the intensity of attachments deteriorate, 

It's okay, I shan't be all eyes, anyway. 

I shan't wait. 

But I'll meet you when you decide to return again.

They tell you..

I'm so tired of being the only one, baby,
There aint no strength left to fight,
I'm so drained out of trying to love you,
With my steps forward and yours behind.

Why do I have to be the man?
Why do you have to sit back like a lady?
Why do you leave?
when you can't let me go with certainty,
Why am I always giving you a try?
When you never fail to disappoint me?

Go tell everyone, go feed your pride,
Go tell them what I did
Go tell them all that you planned to hide,
Go tell them the true story,
Go tell them, also what you did,
If they tell you - You're right,
If they tell you - You're not stupid,
And don't you bloody lie.
If they tell you - you aren't crazy,
Boy, they fell off the bread truck like you did.
If they tell you - I'm crazy,
Hell, they just your perfect flock to fly in.

I'm getting out, baby
Out of your selfish need for upper hand,
Out of your selfish mental games,
Ima find myself a man,
Ima find myself my baby,
That aint anything like you is.

How do you know?

How do you know when you are over someone?

I guess when you can’t trust them as far as you can jump,

I am so bad at my discernment to discover attachments,

It really got me making a fool of us.

Do you think you are over someone?

When they make you feel shy when they are alone with you,

But going public with them only brings a fear of remorse,

Damn! Its like we got us wringing dry clothes.

It’s like I can’t tell ten things about you that made me smile,

It’s like we are running out of every excuse to give this another try.

And now I see clearly all the times you broke my heart,

And then manipulated me into believing it was always my fault.

We have made up 10 times and broken 100,

I am fucking numb.

I don’t even know which your real face is,

Or if it’s something you’ve become.

I met you more in the poems in my Word sheet,

alongwith the things I couldn’t say or things I couldn't feel,

How do you know you are over someone?

Or is it just another mistake?

How do you tell them it’s over?

When you could be wrong again?

Everytime I need you, You aren’t there,

Everytime I’m requesting, you are deaf from ears,

Everything I would do for you,

If you had to do it for me – you couldn’t care.

What if you can store their number and not be worried to drunk dial?

What when you store their number with the name of a happy character?

So it doesn’t bring back negative memories in your mind?

What now you can sail away without the memories being an anchor?

It’s like knowing two people,

And I m bloody running out of reasons

To keep this alive,

I guess I AM over you,

I guess it’s a goodbye.

You Remind Me Of You

Remember when you were a safe pair of hands?
a very lucky shot in the dark, a daily vacation?

Well I look at you now when the sands have shifted,
You remind me of you when you were a kind lover,
You, in the early stages of being smitten,
When your feelings were decorated with ardour, 
Understanding with brilliance and voice full of expression.
When you could not let me walk away
without any efforts from you to allay my agitation.

And now you walk around, like any other infirm person,
any ordinary guy in his late x0s, just anyone,
But I still stand here pretending to not care,
And managing to steal seconds within these seconds,
when everyone finds occupation to busy themselves,
to look at you
Cuz you remind me of you!

When you weren't this who you are now,
& when your need for discovery of variety wore a concealing gown,
when you weren't in like Flynn and your infamy hadn't got around,
When your pots of vices weren't filled and only virtue poured down,

When I wasn't this lost in the fog & could be found,
When we were in for every penny, in for every pound,
When I hadn't discovered I was skating on thin ice,
When I wasn't the deer, in your headlights, caught dead on the ground.

But now that the calendar pages have shifted,
And if I can beg a chance & luck to re-choose,
I shall restrain myself your slightest acquaintance,
Cuz your closets boast worse dangers than skeletons.

But I don't blame you any further than I can see, 
Should have known if I chose to lie down with dogs, I were to catch fleas,
can't blame the tea-pot and complain getting burnt,
Can't be flying with the crows & be surprised at getting shot.

You went heavy, with your inelegant reserve & gravity, on forming conjectures,
So, go ahead & name my refreshing candour, -  rebelling impoliteness,
For you remind me of the one for whom contempt only deepens,
With time and farther knowledge of his character,
& I see you for you, salt in the wound,
I see who you remind me of, 
- A fair-weather friend,
And as long as you remind me of you, 
I shall no longer sail close to the wind.

All my Friends Say

All my friends say, To them, you weren’t a ten, nor a 6.5,

To me you weren’t a ten, but much more than that,

I’ld give anything for the colours in your eyes,

And they surmised they saw in you Spencer Pratt.

You didn’t bring out just the good in me, you made me a worse person too,

You brought me out like the summer rays, monsoon rain,

And it made me feel more alive than I ever should.

& I know I would have come to hell if you were there,

Just to get my fix of you, to be drunk on you.

All my friends say, I’ld go out, get a drink,

And reach your front stairs and all I’ld want is one more kiss,

And it didn’t make sense to them or you,

That’s when I knew, it was time to let go of this,

You didn’t realize you drove me crazy, and you made me mad,

You had your spell on me and you didn’t acknowledge that.

And like the stars in the sky, the “Love you” from your lips,

All my friends say,

Like the Mehendi off someone’s hands, the tan on my skin,

You faded away.

So, maybe one last another drunk debauchery in your bed,

And one last time to keep my head on your chest,

All my friends say, when you came in my life I went love- crazy

All my friends say, you were never good for me.

I don’t know how much I believe that but I know

What we were did nothing but hurt,

And maybe it’s time I just let go,

With your outgoing to another number and heart to another girl,

Can’t pray to 11:11 for you to stay when you are long gone,

Can’t blame anyone when the bank is already robbed.

So I aint coming back to your side,

I do like you a lot but I gotta let this die.

You were a tornado wreck in the middle of b’ful pastures,

Could amuse at the absurdity or censure the raillery of nature,

Like a snow caused accident in the middle of a road,

Overwhelming and scary when looked at yet impossible to ignore,

You were like home to me still an unfamiliar family.

All my friends say,

We went wrong in all the right ways,

Yet I held you tighter the first night our shadows bled,

Than I then had the right to do,

And he’s your first boyfriend we wish you never had,

All my friends said.

February in my bed.

It’s 6 am, Im still battling our memories, thanks to you.

What month is it June ? No, September.

Been up since when, I don’t remember,

Since my bed is a February night in an Arctic nation,

Im afraid, you took away my peace,

when you took away your passion,

And you took away all of it, real well, like a hungry beggar.

Just come back once and take away these memories aswell,

Like how You wanted what made us happy, before u’ld completely wake up.

A girl full of whiskey in demeanour of Ganga jal,

So unashamed, untamed and unapologetically original.

Your fire was the kinetic energy of the waterfall, the blue of the flame,

Accelerator of a car, Turbulence of a plane.

And now you left the turbulence in my head,

I sit with my friends, I make-up names,

And talk incessantly about you and me,

Till they are tired of me and call it a day,

But I still must talk about you,

Like I’m doing now, to you.

To the one, with the fire and the passion and flaming self-respect,

Do you see anything beyond it, like what emotions can beget?

You are everything one needs,

You are money to me, you don’t care about anything,

and now you don’t care about me.

I turn my days into nights,

With my mind full of your memories and heart full of sighs,

Amidst all my arguments with myself, you come to me,

Quietly, beneath the sheet of the night,

Driving on the roads that look like black lace lost its shine,

You come in like the old times, with a smile,

So secretive, I’m sure that even the moon didn’t find,

your connections shouldn’t know cuz they would assail,

You told me, and I laughed cuz it’s like the old times,

Let me guess, you followed your instincts, cuz ur instincts never fail.

I can’t help but wish this night never ends, Sun never shows,

and you my dear, never ever go,
I ask you, selfishly, You miss me?
"If I miss you, I'll miss you like the waves miss the shore."
You tell me,
"If I dont, You're a blur memory, a thought, nothing more."
I'm hanging on the former,

Now my room’s not a February night anymore,
Fuck with whatever issue that rose,
To hell with the promises we made,
the bitter memories that came in the way,
Bury the arguments, boundaries, ignore what caused this pain,
No taking sides, Let's not fight tonight,
We are both right and both wrong, equally or eaually not at all,
Let's not stress, come to me easy, like you did before.

And now the east wind cant crash my hopes,

But it still came in and crashed my window,

I wake up, you aren’t here.

If this wind didn’t hit, or if you were this wind,

or if I had never hidden the skeletons to begin with.

Now I hope I don’t think of you,

Or I see you when I close my eyes,

Oh you never used to close your eyes,

Oh I miss your fire on this February night,

sitting here without a Valentine.

Break Ups

So, Well… I am not someone who really accepts things to myself. I am the one who gets to know about being attached to someone, the last. Because I am always ignoring or in denial of my affections towards someone. But what I wanted to write was about Break Ups. We have so many of them, thrice every year. So, why not use this fresh hit in the head and write down the hurt.

Well, you know the feeling, you are hurt and you miss them, but given a chance, you wont take them back. They broke your trust, your heart, they blamed you to get rid of the guilt, they highlighted your mistakes with fireworks and did their sins in private of their space and planned them and hid them so well,  you could have spent another year wondering whatever’s happening with his cold-hot temperature… but thank God for the intuition of a woman.

So, its like They break your heart, You miss them. You hate them and then you love them. That whirlwind of emotions that runs through your mind day or night reliving the memories you shared. The end of a relationship is like a bereavement. The severing of a strong emotional bond to someone close to us.

STAGES OF A BREAKUP

Shock:

And when your relationship first ends, You didn’t see it. You could have broken a multiple times before but those are moods, you say “I’m done with you” because you are mad at him for not being attentive to you or blaming you for something you never did.

Whether you break up or your partner does, it may be too scary, too lonely, too confusing.

Mine is mostly confusing as hell. I never know if It were the Iceberg or a whole fucking Iceland that hit my ship. My mostly solution is a Rebound. It always works for me… but there’s nothing WORSE than when a Rebound fails as well. You might not wanna risk that. Either it can be a blessing or damn right back into the puddle of grief.

A state of disbelief could last hours, if you are on the receiving end of an unexpected breakup. It depends if they are honest enough to tell you that they are over you and have moved on, if they don’t, it could last weeks or even months because you’ll keep on wondering, trying to put the pieces together of this puzzle. There could be a literal loss of breath, or trouble sleeping. The loss of breath LITERALLY happened to me once and I texted him “Thanks to you I know it is real what they say in songs – “I can’t breathe without you!”.”

We break down, we cry. We are like lost puppies in the woods, abandoned by our Master and we are running around, hoping he will come, get us… but he never does. We feel sad for ourselves, we can’t face the mirror, we are empathetic towards ourselves. Men tend to explode outward in their reaction to shock.  Women tend to implode, go internal and blame themselves, like “I should have never said this, maybe this is what drove him away.” “I shouldn’t have done that, it killed us.”

That is not true, he only faked it as a reason to get off the guilt. Anybody in anger shall react, it’s the law. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Do/Do not:

• Do watch TV or shows that show larger miseries in life than yours!
• Do pet animals, meet people with REAL problems.
• Do not freak out and react. You will make sense of all of this!

PLEADING
Oh this is the suckiest part, so sucky that it’ll make you laugh later!

This is where your Self-Respect is taken by you and just blown away in barter for your ex back in your life.

This happens with me, HATE TO ACCEPT IT. That’s why I know this is by-far the most unforgettable phase of all. It is a pay-back time for what you'll do in the ANGER stage. Sometimes involving prayers, this stage is often about getting your ex back, it is about restoring what you had because letting go is like entering a new territory, but other times, it is about absolving your own guilt if you did something wrong that caused the breakup. Desperate to negotiate with yourself or your ex, you may go to extreme measures to make deals or become something else (thinner, less jealous, etc.) to make amends -- when in truth, it is just about making the current pain go away.

It's the SUCKIEST because it only makes us look weak and desperate in our partner's eyes and in our future eyes! It does the exact opposite of the desired effect and pushes them farther away, making us feel more like an abandoned puppy, now being kicked away by his master as we approach them to take us with them, back to our house.

Do/Do not:

• Do create a self-love list complete with what makes you happy and things you want for your future.
• Do not include wanting your ex back in the above list!
• Do not start stalking their Twitter or blog or Facebook.

(And another thing easier said than done, and I suck like a slut at this one. You gotta stop checking his or her online activity. It's gotta happen!!

It may be right there, and you're not breaking any rules or anything, but it's still not good for YOU. If they want you, they can text you or call you. They have your number or your mutual friends do.

People spend months, or years keeping tabs on exes. What if your ex gets a new significant other? Are you going to start looking at their stuff, too? Pretty soon, you're informing yourself on a life that isn't even yours anymore. Sadness! If you have to de-friend or un-follow, do it! It's not about being bitter, it's about being good to yourself.)

ANGER
This is the most crucial phase! This is where the fun starts!
This is where regrets are made! This is what IM GOOD AT! :P
The anger comes from a place of helplessness from our loss.  We feel that we are a victim of our ex and we use anger as a way of trying to recapture some of the power that we feel they’ve taken from us through ending the relationship.  It’s a way of desperately trying to balance out our sense of powerlessness.  It is often Defensive than Offensive!
The anger gives us something new to believe in when the belief in the relationship has been taken away.  It gives us new strength and new structure at a time when we feel weak and loss of structure.
You’re done crying, you’ve had enough of that low-life playing you while you thought it was ALL YOUR fault. Now you see him for who he was, what your bestfriends warned you against, and now you’re MAD. Really, really mad. 
Thinking about everything that went wrong with the relationship, and now you're wondering how you ever let that vile demon-spawn of an ex under your skin, anyway. He wasn’t even worth your type.. and you never would have found him attractive, to begin with. And THAT guy did THIS to you?! 
The passive-aggression may be kicked up a notch.. Your Twitter shouts how heart-broken you are. Your comments, in general show what a morbid-dead person he made you, on the inside. Your Facebook feed is making people uncomfortable.
In this stage, your heart goes from confused to raging mad. It becomes fueled with anger towards your ex for whatever his part in the breakup was. During this stage of breakup, you may find yourself burning pictures of him, or in our world -  Deleting pictures of him, getting untagged from those on Facebook, holding his stuff hostage, slandering him to his friends or worse. If you are angry with yourself, you may do a lot of self-talk -- regretful thoughts and angry conversation with yourself. The deeper desire here is often to place blame.

Do/Do not:

• Do feel, write or talk about your anger.
• Do not drink. You may be tempted to send some unscrupulous late night texts.
• It’s OK to have fantasies of “acting out” against our ex as long as we don’t actually act it out in real life.  Over time, anger helps to break the love feelings we felt towards our ex. 
• Do not act on it. Do not say words that you wont be able to take back.

(I know its harder done than said, I can yet not master this art. The Art of Letting go, gracefully. I get hurt and in my defense, pull the other down so well that later I think I could have walked away without that too!)

 Underneath our Anger resides, Sadness. Which shall be on it's way! Then Acceptance :)

Playing Hearts With Me.

And tonight I’m sitting in my room

While my friends are wondering what to do

With me.

You were a heart collector, placin’ them like trophies

On top of your bar,

I wish I knew,  I’ld have never let you play hearts

With me.

You were a ball of regrets,

But I was waiting on the rare moments

When you  gave me happiness,

I forgot who I was, never knew who you are or

That you were not meant to be

With me.

You made me live a double life,

One was wondering what’s happening,

One was half alive,

I waited too long on a phone call,

That would have lit fireworks in my eyes

But you chose the cold side of otherwise.

Sometimes I cant help wondering,

If you still are as important, to someone, as you were to me,

I hope you are.

You still are a pretty person that one can’t trust too far,

Chasing my heart, Dancing with my heart,

Running away to place it as another trophy on your bar,

While I was wishing you’d run away,

With me.

You weren’t close to what I wished you’d be

But I never complained cuz then I never wanted anyone else,

You did well with the few scars wherever you got a chance to leave,

I can tell what it felt, leaning in to kiss u, with a smile,

But I can also sketch down the hurt and disappointment,

You gifted me everyday wishing id have never succumbed to your lies.

What’d I do, I still don’t know honestly,

If you again decide to play hearts

With me.