Break Ups

So, Well… I am not someone who really accepts things to myself. I am the one who gets to know about being attached to someone, the last. Because I am always ignoring or in denial of my affections towards someone. But what I wanted to write was about Break Ups. We have so many of them, thrice every year. So, why not use this fresh hit in the head and write down the hurt.

Well, you know the feeling, you are hurt and you miss them, but given a chance, you wont take them back. They broke your trust, your heart, they blamed you to get rid of the guilt, they highlighted your mistakes with fireworks and did their sins in private of their space and planned them and hid them so well,  you could have spent another year wondering whatever’s happening with his cold-hot temperature… but thank God for the intuition of a woman.

So, its like They break your heart, You miss them. You hate them and then you love them. That whirlwind of emotions that runs through your mind day or night reliving the memories you shared. The end of a relationship is like a bereavement. The severing of a strong emotional bond to someone close to us.

STAGES OF A BREAKUP

Shock:

And when your relationship first ends, You didn’t see it. You could have broken a multiple times before but those are moods, you say “I’m done with you” because you are mad at him for not being attentive to you or blaming you for something you never did.

Whether you break up or your partner does, it may be too scary, too lonely, too confusing.

Mine is mostly confusing as hell. I never know if It were the Iceberg or a whole fucking Iceland that hit my ship. My mostly solution is a Rebound. It always works for me… but there’s nothing WORSE than when a Rebound fails as well. You might not wanna risk that. Either it can be a blessing or damn right back into the puddle of grief.

A state of disbelief could last hours, if you are on the receiving end of an unexpected breakup. It depends if they are honest enough to tell you that they are over you and have moved on, if they don’t, it could last weeks or even months because you’ll keep on wondering, trying to put the pieces together of this puzzle. There could be a literal loss of breath, or trouble sleeping. The loss of breath LITERALLY happened to me once and I texted him “Thanks to you I know it is real what they say in songs – “I can’t breathe without you!”.”

We break down, we cry. We are like lost puppies in the woods, abandoned by our Master and we are running around, hoping he will come, get us… but he never does. We feel sad for ourselves, we can’t face the mirror, we are empathetic towards ourselves. Men tend to explode outward in their reaction to shock.  Women tend to implode, go internal and blame themselves, like “I should have never said this, maybe this is what drove him away.” “I shouldn’t have done that, it killed us.”

That is not true, he only faked it as a reason to get off the guilt. Anybody in anger shall react, it’s the law. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Do/Do not:

• Do watch TV or shows that show larger miseries in life than yours!
• Do pet animals, meet people with REAL problems.
• Do not freak out and react. You will make sense of all of this!

PLEADING
Oh this is the suckiest part, so sucky that it’ll make you laugh later!

This is where your Self-Respect is taken by you and just blown away in barter for your ex back in your life.

This happens with me, HATE TO ACCEPT IT. That’s why I know this is by-far the most unforgettable phase of all. It is a pay-back time for what you'll do in the ANGER stage. Sometimes involving prayers, this stage is often about getting your ex back, it is about restoring what you had because letting go is like entering a new territory, but other times, it is about absolving your own guilt if you did something wrong that caused the breakup. Desperate to negotiate with yourself or your ex, you may go to extreme measures to make deals or become something else (thinner, less jealous, etc.) to make amends -- when in truth, it is just about making the current pain go away.

It's the SUCKIEST because it only makes us look weak and desperate in our partner's eyes and in our future eyes! It does the exact opposite of the desired effect and pushes them farther away, making us feel more like an abandoned puppy, now being kicked away by his master as we approach them to take us with them, back to our house.

Do/Do not:

• Do create a self-love list complete with what makes you happy and things you want for your future.
• Do not include wanting your ex back in the above list!
• Do not start stalking their Twitter or blog or Facebook.

(And another thing easier said than done, and I suck like a slut at this one. You gotta stop checking his or her online activity. It's gotta happen!!

It may be right there, and you're not breaking any rules or anything, but it's still not good for YOU. If they want you, they can text you or call you. They have your number or your mutual friends do.

People spend months, or years keeping tabs on exes. What if your ex gets a new significant other? Are you going to start looking at their stuff, too? Pretty soon, you're informing yourself on a life that isn't even yours anymore. Sadness! If you have to de-friend or un-follow, do it! It's not about being bitter, it's about being good to yourself.)

ANGER
This is the most crucial phase! This is where the fun starts!
This is where regrets are made! This is what IM GOOD AT! :P
The anger comes from a place of helplessness from our loss.  We feel that we are a victim of our ex and we use anger as a way of trying to recapture some of the power that we feel they’ve taken from us through ending the relationship.  It’s a way of desperately trying to balance out our sense of powerlessness.  It is often Defensive than Offensive!
The anger gives us something new to believe in when the belief in the relationship has been taken away.  It gives us new strength and new structure at a time when we feel weak and loss of structure.
You’re done crying, you’ve had enough of that low-life playing you while you thought it was ALL YOUR fault. Now you see him for who he was, what your bestfriends warned you against, and now you’re MAD. Really, really mad. 
Thinking about everything that went wrong with the relationship, and now you're wondering how you ever let that vile demon-spawn of an ex under your skin, anyway. He wasn’t even worth your type.. and you never would have found him attractive, to begin with. And THAT guy did THIS to you?! 
The passive-aggression may be kicked up a notch.. Your Twitter shouts how heart-broken you are. Your comments, in general show what a morbid-dead person he made you, on the inside. Your Facebook feed is making people uncomfortable.
In this stage, your heart goes from confused to raging mad. It becomes fueled with anger towards your ex for whatever his part in the breakup was. During this stage of breakup, you may find yourself burning pictures of him, or in our world -  Deleting pictures of him, getting untagged from those on Facebook, holding his stuff hostage, slandering him to his friends or worse. If you are angry with yourself, you may do a lot of self-talk -- regretful thoughts and angry conversation with yourself. The deeper desire here is often to place blame.

Do/Do not:

• Do feel, write or talk about your anger.
• Do not drink. You may be tempted to send some unscrupulous late night texts.
• It’s OK to have fantasies of “acting out” against our ex as long as we don’t actually act it out in real life.  Over time, anger helps to break the love feelings we felt towards our ex. 
• Do not act on it. Do not say words that you wont be able to take back.

(I know its harder done than said, I can yet not master this art. The Art of Letting go, gracefully. I get hurt and in my defense, pull the other down so well that later I think I could have walked away without that too!)

 Underneath our Anger resides, Sadness. Which shall be on it's way! Then Acceptance :)

Burning Bridges

Sometimes its not the act that makes it so difficult to let people back in, its the person they fucked with. Its not them, its not the time.

Letting people back in.

How hard is it?

Not a bit, give It a week’s time & I am good to take people back. I have no ego, cuz I know I am better. I have learnt from personal experiences people who aren’t sure of your reaction or aren’t confident of their self-respect , are the ones who least express overtures.

I, on the other hand, don’t care…. I could text my ex-friends right now, saying

“Hey! I miss u. I know you fucked up… and I know I was hurt then, I never thought you’d mess up like that. U were like my sister, it was terribly wrong. But I don’t wanna think about it. Cuz you aren’t God and I miss what we had. So, whatsup with u?”

And I know the reaction is always

“Hey! I am sorry I didn’t mean to. I was immature and I didn’t think it meant so much to you. I swear I wish I could un-do it. But yes let bygones be bygones. & I missed u too, everytime I heard this song, or when someone talked with so much passion or when my parents asked where ur besties at. And I wanted to come say hi that night I bumped into you, but u saw through me like I was invisible. Im glad u messaged, I wanted to so many times but wasn’t sure how you’d take it. ”

But if every relation had one person like me, then I think no relation would ever break right? Like, I’d make the move, they come back in.

Then why do I not have all the people I started with? I meet more people than I keep in my life, its not I hate the ones I see through, so what is it?  Why do we choose to build more walls than bridges? Why do we choose burning bridges than breaking walls?

Ive realized sometimes, it’s not the act of treachery, it’s not the timing, it’s not breach of your trust, it’s not the person who is doing it, it's not me……

But the person they fuck with, that KILLS it forever. And when this happens, like a sloppy-all-tongue-saliva-kiss, it suuckss and then no matter how good they were in other ways, u never go back!

One of my best girl friends for 7 years fucked up the same way, I could still take her back. I could just text her this second and hang with her tonight. But my sister will never approve of it, so I shan’t.

Well this girl, G, she sneakily tried to shit-talk about my other close friend, A, to B.

B- who apparently is who A loved*.

And the thing is my friend, A, is a more calm, forgiving person when it comes to friends than I am. I have my sister and I am good to go.

Anyway, so sometimes, its not the act (like, going and trying to flirt with ur love) – cuz the act didn’t succeed.

Its not the timing, cuz its been more than the period of time that lets one forget fuck ups by friends, almost a year now, I guess.

Its not the breach of trust, cuz she had broken trust on a daily basis before too, but was never thrown out and outcast-ed like this ever before.

It’s not the person who did it, cuz well, even if she did whatever she always used to, we still thought we were all sisters. We were supposed to be each others’ bridesmaids. But the person she fucked with, is the person that killed the relation. And well, my friend, A, didn’t even care to mourn for this relation's death or do its cremation. It was left dead cold and never spoken to or about or looked at, ever again.

And I am going through the same right now, with someone I don’t hate, but u know the feeling where u don’t hate someone, but u don’t like them either. It's almost Apathy, not completely yet, but getting there.

You would crack jokes about them but u don’t want others to do it, cuz u know they weren’t so bad and u don’t wish them ill but u know they killed it. They killed it so well, that u cant even find back and paste the pieces even if it were your relationship’s death wish. And another thing, people who fall in these circles of treachery and murder of ur relation with them, are more often – Cowards.

They could say a sorry, but either they don’t mean it or have too much ego to actually apologize well enough and make up to how well they went and fucked up.

You set the honesty bar too high, they aint got hands to reach it… or morals.

And sometimes burning bridges lights your way ahead!

*Not getting into complications here. Love is something I still cant write as easily as people say. Cuz I think it should be stronger and crazier, uh well, maybe it was… She still talks about B and still wont take her 8 years old friend G back. So maybe it was.

The Real Life

The Real life

In Real Life , you don’t let go of people as easily and effortlessly as the fairy tales teach you. Or as letting go of a balloon on a crowded luxury street, where you don’t even notice the balloon you just let out.

In Real Life, it’s much harder, more painful and more mind-fucking. It takes away more sleep, gives more paranoia and makes you imagine worse things than you could be doing on drugs(if you are like me, a paranoid druggie). 

Then you yell at that someone, if things are still fine and he calls you or takes your calls.. but like, in most of the cases, you text them abusive stuff and then they text you back a mere “grow up” or similar. And it infuriates you and then you begin contemplating, and begin regretting, regretting him more than the texts you sent, and the abusive language more than ever giving him a chance when you never even found him close to attractive.. and then you sit up and think – I thought I was better than that, I thought I would let go gracefully, I am not immature, how dare he call me that.

And then these things run on loops in your head, over and over again… till its 5am.. and you are frustrated to not be able to sleep, and whilst all this, he is fucking her, or she is fucking him, or they are dead asleep or texting each other or there is a new prey…. Why am I even thinking all this, I know I don’t care.
Then you keep having these make-believe situations in your head of the future, of the surprise run-ins, and it never fucking ends. And you don't wanna think of that old part of your life anymore, but here you can't stop. You regret even letting it be a part of you for as long as you did, but you can't still stop thinking..

And insomnia, gifted to you… this is what happens in Real Life. In the Real Life, there are no gracefully, with poise, letting gos. We are humans, if we get hurt – we abuse, if we get hurt intentionally, we hurt them back. Even if I come from the Land of Gandhi, I am not Gandhi, that is why there was only one, Mahatma!

In the Real Life, you never receive flowers, or texts or incessant phone calls till your heart melts, no guy runs after you when you walk away.

In Real life, boys don’t come running back to you in the middle of the night, don’t sneak in through your window or buy you chocolates or sing you songs or hold your hands when you are mad at them, they don’t pick you up and scare you till you start laughing and forget whatever made you mad.

In Real life, They just leave and never say a word to you again.
And you have to make that choice to let go and never look back.

All heroes have scars..

We all carry with us the things that we could not let the world to see,
they could be drowning us from within, they could be making us happy,
We could be ashamed for the world to see them,
We could be caging them so they could not flee,
I carry something too
I carry you with me.

I carry you everywhere I go,

You meet me when you’re there,

You meet me when you're not,

You meet me when I’m hoping you’ll be there,

You meet me when you’re far away, in a corner,

You meet me when we both pretend like we couldn’t care,

You meet me when you tell me I have glitter on my eyes,

You meet me when you cant look away,

 when I’m dancing with other guys,

You meet me when the words I didn't say haunt me,
You meet me when my friends surmise you like me,
You meet me everywhere I go,

And now you’re gone.

I thought it’d hurt me, I thought it’d make me cry,

But I’m happy,

Gone is the power you had over me,

Gone are the hopes I had,

Gone are the 11:11 wishes,

Gone are the drunk tweets for you,

The regrets of not having said or done what I should have,

The completeness of just your presence,

The tiring effort to like half of who a person you were,

Gone are the attempts to balance between strong like for you and my self-respect,

Gone are the oh-someone-else-is-saying-what-I-want-someone-else-to-say,

Gone are the late night make-believing of where we vent out and shape our future,

Gone are the mind-chains binding me to you, Here’s to freedom,

Gone are all the thinking about you, persuasion,

No more waiting for you to comprehend me,

No more trying to drop my ego and express,

No more waiting for you to break through my walls,

Babe, now bridges are burnt and the pages have turned,

You could be with any girl in the world,

It wouldn’t even matter anymore cuz it’s all gone. You took it along.

You were no incessant texts, you were no keeping promises, lending hoodies,

You were no love letters, drunk-late night long phone calls,

You were no rainy nights, holding hands, moon-light making out,

You were regrets, disappointments, defying logic, big mouth and bigger walls.