Catch 22

I'm in constant battle with what's right and what's wrong,
A constant battle between my self-righteous mind and To-fuck-with-right heart.

You had me by the bell, black dolls, spells and candles.
and I was hanging there by your every word, every memory,
that would get me through.
You were as unreliable as someone who'ld leave at the altar.
Got me thinking why was I even attracted to you? 
You had me hanging from your hands on a 123rd floor's balcony,
and just kept muttering the words "It's time you fall for me, boo".
Maybe I had turned into a masochist, just attracted to the blues.

Cuz you were a broken window on a February night, 
had me shivering in the cold from the night and your soul.
You were an empty pistol amidst a downtown fight, 
had me waiting on strangers to save my life & bones.

With all of that, I still miss who you were,
When you weren't all of this that you came around to be,
Maybe we should have begun on one of the days in leap years,
The days that never exist cuz we weren't either meant to be.

Power-play

Well, You could run all you want,
Because you’ll be wasting your time.
You begin to insult me 
when you begin expecting your name on my life.
I am not ruthless, but it’s a very interesting type.
I am definitely not the stupid girl you leave 
hoping she’ld be holding her breath too engaged in finding where your heart hides,
waiting on the suffering your mardiness begets, waiting for your name on her mobile.
You should know I am better than that,
Better than being all about some guy,
I don’t know what part of “I’m scared of attachments” Men fail to understand,
But isn’t comprehending emotions something they fail at all the time?

They think they have the upper hand, 
Cuz their emotions run out of the window
As soon as someone knocks on their door, 
But baby I’m not like most of the girls you know,
I just want the bright lights all the time,
Unlimited beer and my girls, with my feelings in my hand,
and heart protected with quadruple barb-fenced wire.
I'm sorry if I'm just as cold & calculated as you. 
That I can just turn my feelings on & off & throw 'em away a 1000 miles,
Expected emotions from the wrong girl, didn’t you?


It’s a sick game of power play that I play,
punishing you for making me feel like I could feel for you,
So, I lead you on and disappear when you are knocking at my door,
It’s sick game of feeling love and feeling control,
You take back one step baby, And I’ll run back a hundred more. 
My dog plays with squirrels for hours before killing it,
And once he has succeeded in this natural victory,
He doesn’t even go close to it, doesn’t even look in it’s direction,
Once it's dead the fun's over, & I’m not the squirrel in this story.

Shut you out

You were heavy-handed, heavy-hearted,
When you bid goodbye and plane departed,
I knew it’s the last time I saw a bit of you,
The last time for a long time or the last time for good.
And you got off the plane and I received a text from you,
It was a pic of the town too cold to let go of you,
And then I sent a forlorn picture and you sent one too,
And then missing began and forgetting slipped in too,
And I don’t know if you know but I’m sure you do,
When you see a shooting star,
it’s just falling for you,
& I asked him to look after your sleeping hours,
when you awe at the new-familiarity of the Moon.
And now the matchobox isn’t kept where it once used to,
in the left top 2nd drawer in your bathroom,
And now you aren’t the face behind my lit cigarette,
Sitting in front of me on that couch you lifted and brought out,
Nor the guy behind the incessant texting,
Pulling me back in while I'm trying my best to shut you out.
Should have shut you out.

And I know it could get better or it could fade into the dust,
I’ll tell you "Asshole, It was easy" if you tell me to fight for you,
Or tell me it’s not working with this time zone and white girls,
And I’ll tell you "Babe, it is easy, I anyway don’t care about you.
I had shut you out long before you knew."
So get out of my blog page, and text me a hey,
So I check it and not reply and shut you out all day,
And then you get mind-fucked
and annoy me like you then did.
Cuz I fucking miss you
and your no-mercy no-compassion obnoxious banter,
And I miss being a dick till I’m on your every bloody nerve,
And I miss the auto ride listening to country songs,
and waking up, hoping there was more to the dawn,
And I miss you and I miss your every single word.
So come back or text me when you get sick of the town,
and sick of the cold wind messing your hair,
Cuz how am I supposed to shut you out now?
When you aren’t even there.

You Don't Care, Girl

Tell me that you don't care, girl

Makes you feel you got a grip?

Push away your urge to text me,

Makes you feel pretty perfect?

Then get drunk one night and become an emotional wreck

Go ahead build your walls so high

That I confuse it for a fortress

Well I don't know what hurt you,

and I don't want to.

All I know is I am not leaving 

and I am not going to let you.

So come on in and let me in too,

You have been running from feeling for so long,

I wonder if you even remember you can stop?

And I know I don't know 
what has killed you from the inside,

and I am not giving up tonight 
or any day of this life.

So break it down, break it down

all these walls that you built around

or I will have to dig a tunnel
and I shall meet your softer side somehow.

You come over and you kiss me,
and then vanish for a week,
You say "C u soon" and then take forever,
Sure it makes you feel like you got your act together.
But you can stay here, you don't have to go,
You like to feel in control when you bolt.
You act like you are Ice cold, like you are a fucking tiger,
but girl, this ain't no fight and baby u ain't no fighter.
You need to know there's a reason feelings are meaningful,
all of those songs aren't lies,
So let me see your vulnerable,
Let me see beneath your "I-Don't-Care" smiles.

Farewell - But come when you may

Farewell - But come when you may!

When the sanity of your job frustrates, 

When your cabin, colleagues and coffee machine 

appear to you as slaves,

when it gets too cold and accents are too easy to understand,

Come when you feel, cross over the sea, 

it is the land of the free. 

But when you are there,

Have a drink for me, but not wine :P

then send a couple of texts, 

and feel Time zone kill the vibe.

and gradually, we will feel 

the intensity of attachments deteriorate, 

It's okay, I shan't be all eyes, anyway. 

I shan't wait. 

But I'll meet you when you decide to return again.

They tell you..

I'm so tired of being the only one, baby,
There aint no strength left to fight,
I'm so drained out of trying to love you,
With my steps forward and yours behind.

Why do I have to be the man?
Why do you have to sit back like a lady?
Why do you leave?
when you can't let me go with certainty,
Why am I always giving you a try?
When you never fail to disappoint me?

Go tell everyone, go feed your pride,
Go tell them what I did
Go tell them all that you planned to hide,
Go tell them the true story,
Go tell them, also what you did,
If they tell you - You're right,
If they tell you - You're not stupid,
And don't you bloody lie.
If they tell you - you aren't crazy,
Boy, they fell off the bread truck like you did.
If they tell you - I'm crazy,
Hell, they just your perfect flock to fly in.

I'm getting out, baby
Out of your selfish need for upper hand,
Out of your selfish mental games,
Ima find myself a man,
Ima find myself my baby,
That aint anything like you is.

How do you know?

How do you know when you are over someone?

I guess when you can’t trust them as far as you can jump,

I am so bad at my discernment to discover attachments,

It really got me making a fool of us.

Do you think you are over someone?

When they make you feel shy when they are alone with you,

But going public with them only brings a fear of remorse,

Damn! Its like we got us wringing dry clothes.

It’s like I can’t tell ten things about you that made me smile,

It’s like we are running out of every excuse to give this another try.

And now I see clearly all the times you broke my heart,

And then manipulated me into believing it was always my fault.

We have made up 10 times and broken 100,

I am fucking numb.

I don’t even know which your real face is,

Or if it’s something you’ve become.

I met you more in the poems in my Word sheet,

alongwith the things I couldn’t say or things I couldn't feel,

How do you know you are over someone?

Or is it just another mistake?

How do you tell them it’s over?

When you could be wrong again?

Everytime I need you, You aren’t there,

Everytime I’m requesting, you are deaf from ears,

Everything I would do for you,

If you had to do it for me – you couldn’t care.

What if you can store their number and not be worried to drunk dial?

What when you store their number with the name of a happy character?

So it doesn’t bring back negative memories in your mind?

What now you can sail away without the memories being an anchor?

It’s like knowing two people,

And I m bloody running out of reasons

To keep this alive,

I guess I AM over you,

I guess it’s a goodbye.