Not Me!

Remember the time when you were so in love,

And not me..?

Those late night stupid drunk calls, or care-yelling at me cuz you found a new bruise on me,

Or when you could not even type properly

Cuz I had again pissed you out of my repulsion of too much stability?

And nomatter what you did or I did, it wasn’t enough,

Cuz one of us played our relationship like a dirty football on a rainy muddy field,

And it was Not me!

And you wanted to say the precious “I love you”

But not me,

And you began saying it like you meant it, then scrubbed it till it had no meaning.

You were you or someone else, but I still liked him better,

And I was so busy being Queen bee, cuz you would let me to!

Not cuz I wanted to.

I was sure of the presence of your arms even if I would hurt you..

Now look who is winning the Mean Girls tag!

Not me.

I had you right where I liked it.. in my Inbox, In my mailbox, in my head, in my heart,

And when I would get my head together, I would drive to you;

And we would kiss like it’s 2am, like we have been drinking, all night, hard supply of booze,

When really it would be 12 in the afternoon.

Could you find those violent delights somewhere else, babe?

 Could you really want to rely on someone like I did to you?

Well, not me.

You know when you get tired of running into wrong women, and learning different names,

You know when your heart gives up new rules, new games, and new ways of fucking women’s brain,

Be sure of one thing, you could always come back to one person…

Not me! :)

I run away

I tell him he feels like home I never had, he is that soul I knew even before we ever met,

the familiar smile, that connection they say you’ld just know when you find.

He is the reason I have been bunking work, dodging friends, avoiding going out till 4am.

Reality is more interesting than my dreams if I wake up to his arms.

Its good, it’s just how they told it is to be.

He got me tell him “I like you” in my drunk rapturous fit,

and then I run away in the morning so I don’t get attached to his warmth and his scent.

I got him wonder what I really want, and I tell him – Its just good, too good.  Like they showed in the movies.

It gets me scared like what if I end up catching unnecessary feelings like the dogs catch fleas..

and what if it's my heart's grave and not the flower bed I'm digging?
Why shall I waste time nurturing all these plants 
when there's 50% chances of somebody else walking away with my flowers.

I like the anticipation he begets in me, the hint of something dangerous, the stormy passion,
I like how unsafe my heart is around him and then I go reducing risk in my Run-Aways,
I know he hates my indecisive attitude, probably cuz he doesn't get what he is capable of doing to me..
Maybe he sees a human in his Office mirrors, maybe he really is not a super human..
I envy his mom when he says she is the only woman he has ever loved.

It could be love, and then I run away..

Its too good, like magic and I know it will vanish, like the ghost under my bed when I try to find it;

Or like Gods when somebody murders or when somebody you love is dying.

It’s good, we are each other’s human drug; I can’t run too far before I come back for my dose of him.

And just like a month back, despite the resistance we are about to give in again...

When I run away.

Undo It

And again, I got drunk and again, I missed you,
And again, wondered if you miss me too.
(A thousand times on repeat)
I know you don't and I don't know what sucks more
That I do or that you don't?

It rained tonight, I thought of you;
I skip all these love songs cuz they remind me of you.
You turned me into an asshole but still you are all I would choose,
All I like, all I hate, got your name meaning the world to me,
I hate emotions cuz they made me a servant to you.
I hate drinking cuz it reminds me of falling in love with you;
vulnerable and weak.
I, So many times, plan to change my damn number,
But then what would that do?
You know you were the world to me.
The universe and the orbit.

The most good-looking guy was a faded colour to me,
If they compared him with your crazy eyes .
Your hands were God to me, no where was heaven but in your arms,
You chose differently, and wanted to smell a different perfume.
Now you are worse than a stranger and Idk if I wanna hug you and tell you what you mean to me,
or step on you with my heels,
All I know is you were my heaven and you chose differently.

You get it from your Father

Tell me “Losers quit” 

but ages I’d been on it, and there was not a scope to win.

Tell me “People change” 

but every smart person knows it’s just an escape from comprehending bitter things!

Now that I am all out of like with you, and my world doesn’t orbit around those silly million lies,

I see how you had me addicted to those heavy-weight arms and the way they held me at nights,

Yeah you had the green eyes charm, you were a terrible disease,

No wonder you always had me love you long after you'ld leave,

Maybe you get it from your father, they say boys do,

You know it better, cuz you happen to be one of them too!

Well you can’t shit-treat someone and demand spotless reputation,

When you were always the one holding the lighter whenever jungles caught fire,

We all know you got some crazy and its probably deeper than you would have wanted.

And now that I have over done my time, I can’t imagine what was nice about those eyes,

You had me waiting on a false promise that you later abandoned, like everything in your life,

And now that I have been too long here, I know I shoulda also walked off.. day I met you,

Well, Maybe you get it from your father, they say boys do,

You know it better, cuz you happen to be one of them too!

No Surprises

I have been in this storm for a lifetime, and Its become a home to me,

I was hoping we could make it a little less volatile, a little less lonely;

But we were burning bridges and hoping it would light the path to move on,

And then I turned around and saw I had left back my heart.

I wish there was an easy way to what I want, but there’s no way at all,

I want what I reproach, I resent what I want.

God knows, I tried to make it look pretty, lace this in pearls

In result, the wounds didn’t heal and it increased the hurt,

So I'm letting it all out in the open, and it feels like I can’t fucking feel,

There’s no surprise, people don’t come out of storms as they were last seen.

Love is weak

And I thought of you when the stars came out

And thought of you when the stars lost their shine,

I thought of you a micro second after I woke up,

And I thought of you till I lost whatever sanity was left of my mind.

I thought of you when I battled through these lonely traffic-roads,

Like I covered the distance between us, again, this time.

Funny how you lived in my heart this long yet acted unaware all this while.

And I learnt what most take forever to learn,

A diamond would be of no value to a dog,

I learnt Love is weak, It makes one weak,

It makes you your most vulnerable,

It makes you carry people with you everywhere you lead,

That my arms are heavy and my muscles bleed,

And I find myself drowning in the oceans I was never supposed to see.

They become denizens in you like the blood in your veins, 
In your heart so long they reside, It estranges you from your heart, making it a stranger to your body.

Just a bloody organ; self-destructive and weak.

Bring Her Home

He wished he would have meant when he said he loved her,

He wished he had not, when he blurted he couldn’t,

The silent thoughts in his mind were screaming to be let go,

The type that hid the violent truths that could bring her home.

He wondered if she held the same poetic passion for another,

The type to give someone those cinematic powers to hurt her,

Like she gave him, Like he hurt her..

Over trivial affairs, over the hypothetical loss of one another,

over his attempt of having trivial affairs.

Albeit Another is coming, and another was here last night,

The only difference remaining, he wishes he was kissing her smile.

Another pair of beautiful hands held, another girl drunk on her toes,

Another one enters his door, and he wishes he could bring her home.

Now he lies in his bed, wondering if someone else lies in his bed, 

listening to her footsteps in the kitchen.

With her hands on utensils, they cannot cook; but she will not listen.

He wishes someone puts an end to all these wishes & memories running on loop,

wishes someone puts this girl to sleep, who is in his bed; and gives him a pill too.

He wishes someone would pull him out of this darkness, perhaps make sense to how his life got so hollow.

He wishes if someone can see her, will tell her how, in company, he feels alone;

but someone who will meet her will also want to bring her home.