Coffins of Dead Loves

When I was little I craved for a feeling that could not be described

Like a colour that cant be explained;

A man that cant be sought out

A moral not easily attained.

I thought Life was easy, and I know it is;

But I believed in humanity and wrongfully yet, I believed in humans,

I saved the left over emotions, after a lost love’s departure, in a box in my heart..

Over the years, there was no room for another love to be placed

Love didn’t live here, numerous coffins of dead loves were there,

The former lovers didn’t return to take these memories back

Or these remainder of feelings that were banished to be practiced.

Now I know they didn’t need them just as much as I didn’t.

I decided to drown these boxes, they were only demons in my heart,

They were eating me from within and putting an end to any new start,

They gave me violet bruise of a fever or two, or scarlet of cynical fury,

They made my brown eyes blue and my emotions gray- empty,

Now I remember to forget about these boxes everyday,

and my demons have one less toy to play with and Its not me in their chains,

I am at calm with myself, not enamored of the worldly ways of right and wrong.

Not putting up with a moral-less man or his lecherous thoughts,

Just because I have been brought up in a world

where a woman should have a man’s arm,

That arm is not for me, That arm is too impure for my soul

I know better than the world; for it will only leave stains of dirt on my heart,

Now I am feeling white followed by soft sunrise yellow

Turquoise and magenta of Rainbows.

Delightedly Blind

Course I lost myself in those eyes, 

course I struggled with my cynicism and lost my mind,

Wrote you so many songs, although they called me blind,

So maybe I wasn't really blind?

I never would have given in to anybody less than a hero,

But you were never less than one,

I don’t know, so now, what is this feeling that I’m feeling,

Like maybe we are just done.

One second you are the one for me, one second forever-s are a fucking joke,

But every day, since June, came in with your name 

and every night bid farewell thinking of you.

Maybe cynicism bit me in the skull, maybe I lost the ability to love
Maybe my powers gave up to those overwhelming emotions?

Feels like a pessimist’s faith in the silver lining would have lasted longer

Longer than my trust in you, look what fool I made of us..

You are the one that detrimentally drives me crazy, unaware

and promotes me to fall sleep, as you play with my hair,

But I would be even crazier… I would be worse than out of my fucking mind

If I let you go.. if I let you go with some girl you find.

Cuz then who knows how she would treat you?

I can't let you go through that 

Forgot to tell you, Today I got a phone call.. God was on the line

He said to let you know that He told me, You are mine,

You are the one with little or no compassion to my sufferings,

But you are the one that enlightens me 
when you make me delightedly blind.

Ordinary Love

The cold wind doesn’t freeze me anymore 

when you are walking next to me,

I am not scared of your frozen heart cuz it’s not locked, 

sometimes you hand me the key,

So much symmetry lost already, so much time blinked away,

But we were never meant for Ordinary love baby,

Our kind of love doesn’t foment - to just exist.

I have expressed my luck to have met you, 20 times or more,

And sat alone to realize it by myself, tenfold.

Now I see you in the Moon, meet you in the saccharine love songs,

Your turbulent patterns in our nest leave ruffled hair and embraced bones,

the drizzle of our fire leave beautiful scars on my soul.

The talk we have, I, unwearyingly, repeat it to people,

And crack your stupid dry jokes and imagine your stupid giggle,

And now my frequent dreams bring you around with your composed countenance;

and now the sleeplessness is You,

Like when your strong untangled morals get too overwhelming for my own good,

And make me sketch, in words, the outlines of You.

Almosting us!

It will be a very random, digressing post. I shall not be censuring anyone or highlighting follies of men I thought too high of and hoped against hope and good sense, hoping that my knowledge of them might improve for the better with closer acquaintance, but in vain. It’s very selfish how no one wants to be let-down yet wants to not go through any scruples to not let-down others. Then when you do give up on them and give up on waking and sleeping with all this negative feeling, they would blame you (again)… forgetting it shall only make me more confident of having taken this step, and will reduce the regret and missing to as short duration as they possibly could.

And when they yet go ahead and hurt you more with their callousness or lack of care and they think that shall teach you a lesson, No it will only spare us the hurt and concern which we must go through in walking away.

So, I don’t know why people don’t have pretty hearts or why they resist so much to do things out of their comfort zone for us when we would, if in our power. I wonder why affectation or pretense gets them as far as they do than real character or honest nature. I don't know why women are still straight when men have turned into these bitches, pussies or princesses. I don’t know whether to name this post “Love should come easy” or “Love is a battlefield” or “Move on stupid girl” or “Optimism is lack of common sense” or “LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS INFRONT OF WHOM HE TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT”.

Anyway, I am sure people who know my life know where this is coming from. I read this blog post “Adorable Things People In Relationships Do For Each Other“* and I felt like I-don’t-know-this-feeling.

1. Make impromptu plans.   (HELL NO. "Sorry, you didnt give me a heads up")
2. Make an honest and thorough effort to understand something the other person is passionate about. (Nope)
3. Send each other quotes, songs and clips from movies. ("No relevance, stop/ Chill")
4. Give each other really huge hugs where someone is inevitably lifted off the ground when they see each other for the first time in a while. (Nope)
5. Speak kindly of the people that they know matter to them. (NOPE)
6. Make sure they always feel like they’re loved and that there’s someone who will always be there for them at the end of the day. (????)

Well I personally feel that if I don’t wanna see the guy I am dating when drunk, then I shouldn’t really be dating him. And if he doesn’t wanna reciprocate it, then maybe I walked too long on this path of illusion and maybe I am that deer running after water in Deserts, unaware of the reality… Maybe hope and optimism are not virtues anymore. If you call him and he doesn’t take it, if you wanna see him and he doesn’t feel that way, If you put your picture and he asks you to take it down, If he doesn’t do something you beg/request him to do infront of your friends, then Congrats you really are an optimist with a great deal of pretty in "Pretty hearts" and perseverance.. with lack of sight of wtf is going on. This is for all the women who just don’t know why they are not giving up on men who are only almosting them, and are in return trying, trying and trying… and maybe crying to sleep one night because of all the confusion, hurt, calls not taken, messages not replied to, asked to "Chill" when you sent incessant banter playful texts, lack of light in the tunnel and all the almosting.
You must stop, just stop. 
He will always almost you.

You Learn

With time, you realize what’s yours is yours,

And what didn’t belong to you was just a borrowed toy,

You learn to forgive, cuz it’s much easier that way,

When you forgive, You take back the powers you gave them.

You learn Love is not rosy and it definitely is not easy,

You learn it’s not meant for everyone and it’s not a defeat.

You learn words change sooner than seasons,

And seasons bring old memories to people,

of other people they spent nights with, time with.

You learn you can live life fixing what was broken,

Or you can walk away finding another love,

There is no right way, there’s no manual,

You wont get it right, you will always mess up.

No matter what happens, there is only one rule,

There is no rule except don’t be a push over.

You will learn you will never totally forget them,

You will learn I-love-yous don’t mean security

And kisses aren’t promises.

Hesitation to commit is not deceit,

And being cold doesn’t mean having fences.

You will learn you will find love as deep as oceans,

And no matter how strong the attraction,

Something, someone will always cause differences.

You will learn no matter how much hard you try,

The voice that made you weak will find his/her sharks,

In the love you two begot as deep as oceans,

And their demons will make two backs*

on the musics of your emotions.

But know that The robbed that smiles,

lets known he doesn’t want what is stolen,

Steals something more precious

Than just wasted time from the robber.

You learn the only trick to be together no matter what

Is to be together, no matter what.

But then again Love is not for everyone,

cuz not everyone mocks at Love.

*make two backs - to sleep together.

Monogamy

I am not the biggest fan of relationships, and definitely not marriage. I don’t vouch for my fidelity and I definitely have trust-issues with the men I date. I don’t think it says anything about me or the men I have got the chance to cross paths with (who lock their phones around me!!); it’s the age we are born in. 

We have Whatsapp, Facebook, Tinder,  Kik; our divorce rates and life expectancy have increased. We get just too many chances to mess up but it also means we have just as many chances to get it right. So when asked to write this post, I chose to write about Monogamy and whether or not it’s even practical or is it but a theory or is this theory even practical. 

So, if you get the jitters when someone talks about your marriage or if you have been cheated on one too many times, maybe you are cynical about the idea of soul-mate; and happy endings to you are walking away; or if  the thought of your partner hanging out with his/her ex-es infuriates you yet you do the same, if you feel lonely in his/her presence sometimes or if you are the player in the group.. I believe this post is going to hit close to home.

I might come off as a cynic but trust me I am not, I am just too aware of what's going on. No one wants to settle with what they have or what they get or what they adored 3 weeks ago. I mean I am in favour of Monogamy, ask the men I have been with. I get all girl-retarded when I think they are cheating on me.. but I do have my moments too, regretfully. But then I am honest and transparent, and I doubt men are. I asked my guy friends if they think Monogamy is feasible, they said hell no. One of my guy friends told me “Don't get attached. When you do, you get hurt. Love infects you, you need to have Anti-Virus.” I have seen my guy friends tell girls that they LOVE them, in the same day that they slept with another woman in the back of their car.

When I ask my girl friends, the answer is the same; obviously coated in somewhat hope that this ideology could work for them. And no, my friends aren’t whores, and no, I didn’t ask my expat friends. This coming from Indians is a big change. Foreigners are born cringing at the whole thought of monogamy/relationship/marriage (most of them); Indians on the other hand, are born to get married one day... preferably in their 20s.

For instance, When I began dating this guy, my friends prepared a mine of raillery against my devotion. There were times, they playfully talked about my marriage and honestly it was not even close to funny and now I wonder why I didn’t enjoy it.. I would love the stable presence of a guy I like in my life but Marriage subconsciously registers Monogamy and I doubt if it’s realistic. While I write this, I am sitting with a married friend of mine and he is disturbing me with weird sounds he is making to attract a 2 year old kid (who is annoying his beautiful mom) in this coffee house and when I asked him - why does he even like kids; he answered nonchalantly, with zero guilt – “To cajole the cow, you have to cajole it’s calf.” This is EVERYWHERE. No one is satisfied with what they have. Is grass really greener on the other side? Or have we stopped watering ours? Is it because our partners don’t give us enough space? But space for WHAT, is the question. Or do we walk out on the road, comparing different people to the one we are seeing/married to. Are we the type who goes to a restaurant and likes what the table next to theirs has ordered than the chilli chicken we are paying for?

But then wont we all like Aston Martin. But then would you trade your car for it? I wont, I am attached to mine. Hah It’s a lie. I would. I am infected too. We all are, we don’t value emotions, attachments or connections as much as we do the thrill, change and something new to discover.
The problem I saw in a lot of 30 something single men/women is they are all waiting for a miracle instead of being a miracle. Everyone says they would make such a great partner but they just have not found the right one yet, So who are all those different women/men every night of the week? Friends? Who are these people that tag pictures with you on Facebook? Friends?

A 40 something expat friend of mine just broke up with his 2 years girlfriend, I asked him if I could maybe help. His answer was – “You know the nights are great.. but I feel lonely and bored with her on a certain Sunday Morning or Monday nights." That's the thing, we give up. No one is chagrined or surprised by the conclusion of their relationship with someone. No one is anymore taken aback when it doesn't work out. We don't try to make it work anymore. We don't make amends, we TRY to move on instead. We advise our friends the same.

When a guy asks me, anymore, if we could be exclusive.. the first thing I say to him is “Don’t cheat on me.” But why do I pre-conceive that he would, when I could cheat just as well? Why are we cynical when it comes to being vulnerable or opening up? Why do we think the worst of the future situations? Maybe because we know our tastes change, maybe because since birth we loathe the idea of having to wear a certain uniform to School.. because it gets boring and bland after a point of time.. and then we fold our socks to our ankles and roll up the sleeves. And then there comes a point in every relationship when romance gives way to reality; it just depends what your time period is.. or what we call expiry date.

So, maybe it’s time we stop being so hard on our partners, people that we address as Players, and on Kristin Stewart, Ashton Kutcher.

Polygamy is so well-registered in our heads now that if a girl meets a cute guy, they literally don’t wake up expecting a text next day. Guys are not boyfriends anymore, they are just somebody you are trying on. I don’t know if these are the fences we create around our hearts of zero expectations to protect ourselves from getting hurt by one of the so many frogs we kiss.. or have we found our new religion in Polygamy and we are practicing our newly fostered faith... or if it is but the generation and circumstances that are making us to?

It’s obviously because we do have a lot of fish in the sea and with all this technology, age of hookups, friends with benefits and online dating, we got access to the whole damn ocean! So how do we expect people to pair up and stay monogamous until death do them apart? As much as I would love to, I know it is not possible.

But what if I don’t want one of the fish... what if I want my Shark? 

Now you'd say - there are plenty of sharks in the oceans too. 

Two Months Notice

I wake up every morning feeling it might be the last time we kiss,
the real last time for our doubtful last times, 
the last time you possess powers in this,
the last time I am certain of your incessant texts, 
the last time I get to lay my head on your chest. 
the last time I wake up from your dream to your arms,
the last time I hand you the powers which cost my heart,
But I know there will never be a last time, cuz we always fall back,
after some months full of pangs of missing, we resume from where we'd left,
The feelings we breathe aren't the feelings easily altered,
with passing hours, weeks of grief or distance of lands and water
Cuz the raptures your presence gifts is bigger than the tears of your absence,
and I know no matter what goes wrong, I will take you back in a second. (maybe more)
and thank God for that.

And I don’t know what makes me blinded to the faults in you,
And if you wanna walk away, you know I'll never stop you,
I'll not be on my knees; But I’ll hide your running shoes.
If you banish me, banish me from walking away from you,
And if you ever want to cheat, cheat on forgetting about me.
I hope you never have to look back in life, And if you do, look back at me,
when we fuck up and you move on, cuz we are not perfect and this isnt a movie.

I want you to know you are my gravity & I’ll be sick everyday if you were the cure,
Your demons play well with mine, and your angels complete my jigsaw amour.
you are your name on me with permanent marker, that no remover can remove,
The easiest thing to do, currently, is to fall in love with you,
You are my passion subject, attraction magnet, 
You make sense to the cheesy movie scenes; cuz I believe you have the ocean-eyes,
made of b'ful colours that look prettier when you drown in them each time.

I know my cryptic mind makes you do a lot of running,
And when you have made up your mind that you’ve had enough of this,
I hope you give me two months notice to win you back again.  :)