Demons and Ghosts

Blame anyone, not me when you see I moved on,

I wrestled, like my Life depended on it, with my demons 

and your skeletons but they were never long gone.

When you laughed at me later, was when I noticed your shirt was far from bloody

while mine was dripping of my sweat and their blood.

Now I don’t know who you were or I was

or if the nights were always this long and empty; and morning Sun always jumped out to eat us?

Were words of strangers always so similar; and did they teach in Schools to love in halves?

Was being cold the only way to survive; and did the world always depend on chemicals than on people?

Times of ink and paper have gone, and our’s has fled too.

I write with my laptop, Technology feels not very romantic..

But Romance was the jungle I burnt much before I was out of the woods.

I never wonder how you must be doing, or if you dedicate a second to me.

Maybe because the ghost of your absence, the angels of your memories meet me, enough.

Enough for me to remember the perfume I’d wear before I felt the touch of your fingers on my skin,

Enough to remember your habits that gave my heart those creases I chose to leave & begin again,

Enough for me to remember the sound your laughter made when something amused your tiny brain,

Enough for me to remember my city is not the residence of your face, but Derby.

My eyes see all of you in every place, and it’s such a rush

to still have you in me, so much.

So much that you never left.

You are always here

That I hear you whisper, everynight, you wish you were here

to my almost sleeping ears.

I say I love you

How can I say I love you, When my heart is as cold as an Ice cream cone?

How can I say I love you,  when I've said it to another before?

How can I say I love you, When its but a mood or a word or a haux?

How can I say I love you When you've said it to me before you let me go.

How can I say its forever, When my brain tells me its fucking not,

How can I say its forever, with your name on my heart and a curse on my lips?

How can I say it’s forever, without your hand in my hand but still the reason for my lack of sleep?

How to ever say it’s forever, When its never forever for anybody else?

How can I say its forever, It will only be a disgusting bitter joke.

How can I say its forever, When forever's today last for 6 months or maybe give it a month more.

Don't call me bitter or damaged or hurt or torn,

I'm not a cynic, nor heartless, nor in a war mode,

I'm wise, I'm a realist, I survive.

I take pride in being able to walk away.

I am with you, but my bags are always packed in the car, in the driveway.

I take pride in being able to dig my feelings under the earth just as well as you,

I take pride in being in control of my emotions, in not being a fool

To the shallow worldly games of people who have nothing better to do.

People like you.

Coffins of Dead Loves

When I was little I craved for a feeling that could not be described

Like a colour that cant be explained;

A man that cant be sought out

A moral not easily attained.

I thought Life was easy, and I know it is;

But I believed in humanity and wrongfully yet, I believed in humans,

I saved the left over emotions, after a lost love’s departure, in a box in my heart..

Over the years, there was no room for another love to be placed

Love didn’t live here, numerous coffins of dead loves were there,

The former lovers didn’t return to take these memories back

Or these remainder of feelings that were banished to be practiced.

Now I know they didn’t need them just as much as I didn’t.

I decided to drown these boxes, they were only demons in my heart,

They were eating me from within and putting an end to any new start,

They gave me violet bruise of a fever or two, or scarlet of cynical fury,

They made my brown eyes blue and my emotions gray- empty,

Now I remember to forget about these boxes everyday,

and my demons have one less toy to play with and Its not me in their chains,

I am at calm with myself, not enamored of the worldly ways of right and wrong.

Not putting up with a moral-less man or his lecherous thoughts,

Just because I have been brought up in a world

where a woman should have a man’s arm,

That arm is not for me, That arm is too impure for my soul

I know better than the world; for it will only leave stains of dirt on my heart,

Now I am feeling white followed by soft sunrise yellow

Turquoise and magenta of Rainbows.

Delightedly Blind

Course I lost myself in those eyes, 

course I struggled with my cynicism and lost my mind,

Wrote you so many songs, although they called me blind,

So maybe I wasn't really blind?

I never would have given in to anybody less than a hero,

But you were never less than one,

I don’t know, so now, what is this feeling that I’m feeling,

Like maybe we are just done.

One second you are the one for me, one second forever-s are a fucking joke,

But every day, since June, came in with your name 

and every night bid farewell thinking of you.

Maybe cynicism bit me in the skull, maybe I lost the ability to love
Maybe my powers gave up to those overwhelming emotions?

Feels like a pessimist’s faith in the silver lining would have lasted longer

Longer than my trust in you, look what fool I made of us..

You are the one that detrimentally drives me crazy, unaware

and promotes me to fall sleep, as you play with my hair,

But I would be even crazier… I would be worse than out of my fucking mind

If I let you go.. if I let you go with some girl you find.

Cuz then who knows how she would treat you?

I can't let you go through that 

Forgot to tell you, Today I got a phone call.. God was on the line

He said to let you know that He told me, You are mine,

You are the one with little or no compassion to my sufferings,

But you are the one that enlightens me 
when you make me delightedly blind.

Ordinary Love

The cold wind doesn’t freeze me anymore 

when you are walking next to me,

I am not scared of your frozen heart cuz it’s not locked, 

sometimes you hand me the key,

So much symmetry lost already, so much time blinked away,

But we were never meant for Ordinary love baby,

Our kind of love doesn’t foment - to just exist.

I have expressed my luck to have met you, 20 times or more,

And sat alone to realize it by myself, tenfold.

Now I see you in the Moon, meet you in the saccharine love songs,

Your turbulent patterns in our nest leave ruffled hair and embraced bones,

the drizzle of our fire leave beautiful scars on my soul.

The talk we have, I, unwearyingly, repeat it to people,

And crack your stupid dry jokes and imagine your stupid giggle,

And now my frequent dreams bring you around with your composed countenance;

and now the sleeplessness is You,

Like when your strong untangled morals get too overwhelming for my own good,

And make me sketch, in words, the outlines of You.

Almosting us!

It will be a very random, digressing post. I shall not be censuring anyone or highlighting follies of men I thought too high of and hoped against hope and good sense, hoping that my knowledge of them might improve for the better with closer acquaintance, but in vain. It’s very selfish how no one wants to be let-down yet wants to not go through any scruples to not let-down others. Then when you do give up on them and give up on waking and sleeping with all this negative feeling, they would blame you (again)… forgetting it shall only make me more confident of having taken this step, and will reduce the regret and missing to as short duration as they possibly could.

And when they yet go ahead and hurt you more with their callousness or lack of care and they think that shall teach you a lesson, No it will only spare us the hurt and concern which we must go through in walking away.

So, I don’t know why people don’t have pretty hearts or why they resist so much to do things out of their comfort zone for us when we would, if in our power. I wonder why affectation or pretense gets them as far as they do than real character or honest nature. I don't know why women are still straight when men have turned into these bitches, pussies or princesses. I don’t know whether to name this post “Love should come easy” or “Love is a battlefield” or “Move on stupid girl” or “Optimism is lack of common sense” or “LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS INFRONT OF WHOM HE TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT”.

Anyway, I am sure people who know my life know where this is coming from. I read this blog post “Adorable Things People In Relationships Do For Each Other“* and I felt like I-don’t-know-this-feeling.

1. Make impromptu plans.   (HELL NO. "Sorry, you didnt give me a heads up")
2. Make an honest and thorough effort to understand something the other person is passionate about. (Nope)
3. Send each other quotes, songs and clips from movies. ("No relevance, stop/ Chill")
4. Give each other really huge hugs where someone is inevitably lifted off the ground when they see each other for the first time in a while. (Nope)
5. Speak kindly of the people that they know matter to them. (NOPE)
6. Make sure they always feel like they’re loved and that there’s someone who will always be there for them at the end of the day. (????)

Well I personally feel that if I don’t wanna see the guy I am dating when drunk, then I shouldn’t really be dating him. And if he doesn’t wanna reciprocate it, then maybe I walked too long on this path of illusion and maybe I am that deer running after water in Deserts, unaware of the reality… Maybe hope and optimism are not virtues anymore. If you call him and he doesn’t take it, if you wanna see him and he doesn’t feel that way, If you put your picture and he asks you to take it down, If he doesn’t do something you beg/request him to do infront of your friends, then Congrats you really are an optimist with a great deal of pretty in "Pretty hearts" and perseverance.. with lack of sight of wtf is going on. This is for all the women who just don’t know why they are not giving up on men who are only almosting them, and are in return trying, trying and trying… and maybe crying to sleep one night because of all the confusion, hurt, calls not taken, messages not replied to, asked to "Chill" when you sent incessant banter playful texts, lack of light in the tunnel and all the almosting.
You must stop, just stop. 
He will always almost you.

You Learn

With time, you realize what’s yours is yours,

And what didn’t belong to you was just a borrowed toy,

You learn to forgive, cuz it’s much easier that way,

When you forgive, You take back the powers you gave them.

You learn Love is not rosy and it definitely is not easy,

You learn it’s not meant for everyone and it’s not a defeat.

You learn words change sooner than seasons,

And seasons bring old memories to people,

of other people they spent nights with, time with.

You learn you can live life fixing what was broken,

Or you can walk away finding another love,

There is no right way, there’s no manual,

You wont get it right, you will always mess up.

No matter what happens, there is only one rule,

There is no rule except don’t be a push over.

You will learn you will never totally forget them,

You will learn I-love-yous don’t mean security

And kisses aren’t promises.

Hesitation to commit is not deceit,

And being cold doesn’t mean having fences.

You will learn you will find love as deep as oceans,

And no matter how strong the attraction,

Something, someone will always cause differences.

You will learn no matter how much hard you try,

The voice that made you weak will find his/her sharks,

In the love you two begot as deep as oceans,

And their demons will make two backs*

on the musics of your emotions.

But know that The robbed that smiles,

lets known he doesn’t want what is stolen,

Steals something more precious

Than just wasted time from the robber.

You learn the only trick to be together no matter what

Is to be together, no matter what.

But then again Love is not for everyone,

cuz not everyone mocks at Love.

*make two backs - to sleep together.