Growing Up

I got tired waiting for the words he has been saying now,

I almost died to see this look in his eyes,

I did everything a person could have,

For him to want to be just around me all night.

Now he wonders why I am acting indifferent,

When, for months, he didn’t even bother if I was alive.

My friends have started calling me "cold and distant"

But I think I am just done redeeming happiness through people, this time

Because the memories people give, I don’t need them

Just like their stupid penny-cheap promises.

I was Drunk

I walked on that road with you, the one I have only seen once since you shifted there.

I held your hand, I wasn’t scared of rejection, and I don’t applaud your reliability

Cuz you never had it. I did it cuz I was drunk.

I again felt like coming home; to that boy who aged too fast yet never did,

I felt like snow and fire and you throw away my cigarette cuz you cant wait to go in.

My friends thought I was dumb, to be repeating my “mistake”

But I never thought we were one, and you never thought we were anything.

Well maybe I WAS dumb, or in love.. But I like to think I was drunk.

And you kissed me, I kissed you with all of me.. my kiss saying things I never did,

you could have heard it, and you heard what you did and told me to ease it.

Funny how you always come in to prove you are suicide bomb, bag of disappointments,

Funny how long I loved you after you were gone; to have you come back just as disappointing as you had left.

Somehow I left my lockets at your place, the ones my sister sent for me,

And I thought you would be better than throwing them away or keeping them from me,

But you did… like you did to my heart.

There were signs from the start, they were in BOLD on the billboards

I jumped through them, well maybe I was blind, I like to think I was drunk.

Now you called me again, Cuz you know I will come to you from anywhere in the city

Well, I’m sober now… 

and I just realised the only real thing you ever had just died within me.

Good Enough

How I hate waking up to run through another day of work blues,

I bet I would love to wake up before my Alarm rings If I wake up to you,

And I would see your beautiful face and it would all be worth it..

Then I would crib about work and having to see you in 10 hours

And divide those hours and count them down,

sneak out as many texts to you without getting caught.

& then someone’s slow whispering would remind me of your “shh” in bed

Which you do while I lay restless and you are sleepy.

And someone’s joke will remind me of your face that you make

After you say something only you think is funny.

Or my favourite minute when one of my friends would say your name, and ask about you

And I will say your name two more times like it’s music and find another excuse to text you.

I might not quite know how I feel about this or about you

But I know I know you so well, I may not want to know anyone else.

I may not be quite in love with you, I can not yet vouch for my fidelity

But You got me unmatching my Tinder matches and you got me have your timezone in my phone.

Now all the boys are too short, or too indecisive, 
or don't blush with enough colour in their face.

I miss your Yes is Yes, and No is No
I miss how you can't tell I want you to call me when I tell you to- leave me alone.

I miss your Grey is Grey, there’s no other shade.

Those three words are dumb and I don’t know what they mean

But I can try to be good for you; and you are good enough for me.

Have a Problem Being a Man

I see you are sitting online on Whatsapp

And maybe you are also missing what we had,

It's too late in the a.m., you could be checking me
or is there a new man? Well who'd have a problem being yer man..
Does he pull your hair like I did? Do you watch movies with whoever he is? 
& smile when you hear him giggle at something that don't make you laugh?
Does your voice make him uneasy in the stomach? like it does to this man?

Did he ask you to use more of your Car's brakes? This do we really got to complicate?

Knowing you, you are a piece of hard-work.. but I am ready now to put in my efforts,

I even heard your favourite song, I think the lyrics describe what we had going on.

What did we have, girl? Why are you busy pretending you don’t remember?

You cant just cut me off like a flock of your hair. What I did was slightly different,

Ofcourse I'd have a problem being a Man when I'd get caught up with my friends, 
Don’t you know they are all dickheads.

I can’t scroll down your number now and whats his name, the one you brought around

To mess my entity, like a stupid move of Chess.

The bartenders know your name, girl.. Don’t go to the bars I go to

Unless you wanna hear my side of the tale, girl… the one I made where I look good too.

The bartender convinces me you will come around by the time I reach the 4^th round,

But I am sat wondering why it did not work out.. why is my bed-side empty and mind’s not?

But if you are mixing your beers with tears then I am tasting mine with regret,

If you are lying that you don’t care then you should know I haven’t even slept..

Have left the main door open, even got numbers of your favourite Order-In

Got a pack of beers to keep me company until you decide to walk in =)

There's a pack of Marlboro Lights in the drawer next to me,

We will go to the kitchen to light it, whenever you feel like smoking.

Think I will tell the guard to not doze off on duty again, but be sure he lets ya in

Hope you walk in soon, my heart’s sick of dropping beats with every car driving in.

We don’t have to decide tonight, where all we went wrong, or where we goin'

But if you want, I would get my data and make you a presentation,

My friends keep saying I am losing my mind and you are never coming back

Well! They used to say I could do better.. now how wrong was that!

Who cares what they say, girl.. cant be any harder,
I have missed you down to each milliletre of every bottle

I know you are gonna act like it don't even matter,

Cuz you are sick of me, seems like we finally ran out of water.

Think I will be a man and call yer number, if you will listen

But we both know I have a problem being a man and you have a problem listenin'
But see I pressed "Send" on this text, let me hear you drive in to forgive me,

But if you don't, we'd blame it on the late night, empty bed, beers & who I used to be.

Harbour to my Oceans

You are the calm to my disaster,

The pacifier to my Devil,

You are the harbour to my Oceans,

The quiet to my crazy

I run away from everything before it runs away from me,

But here I am with you; sitting, not looking at you or even wondering if you are still there.

You paralyze my runnings, sterilize my anxiety;

I have met human-drugs before, but you are the one that’s anti-toxic.

I just feel like I could back-walk a cliff and you would save me,

Even before I would realize, even before my heart could skip a beat

You get along with all my friends, to an extent they could be jealous,

You put my phone on charge without telling, when I forget to..

You call me beautiful every morning I wake up next to you,

I walk in 24x7, unsafe, post-drinking to quickly collect a thing or two

Just to turn around to see the guy standing close to me is you

Things I have been resisting to feel, or have felt with fear

You give it all and more on a plate to me, and still stay there.

And with your Greece-blue eyes, you became that spot at the end of the road

Where running stops, where one sits and drinks water,

You became the harbour and the anchor..

I am just afraid, what if I am in love with the storms,

what if that's the only thing I have ever known?

What if I am the sailor.

Song of Deborah

Why is everything so easy with you?

How did you iron all these creases so soon?

Why do I not bother my heart might err again?

Or swim in the clouds of illusions that I create.

What if you don’t even know what you are doing?

What if I am giving birth to feelings and you are comfortably unaware?

What if you blind me with Cloud No 9

And then poke a pin and make it rain?

But for now, I am just happy to have you staring at me,

while we make it together another day..

Happy that someone was born with the crazy blue eyes on 28^th,

with possession of a heart that says

“I like you” in reply of “I like you”, not “I like you too”,                

Happy to see you try that I would believe you, even though you know I wont.

And it’s so easy to hope you are wrong, when you tell me you cant be with someone,

As I sit talking to the blushing-face, with the blues of Greece, I found..

As easy as beauty comes to you, when Sun shines on your ocean eyes amidst the desert beige.

And how about you tell me you are not ready, without drawing me in with your playful bantering mouth?

How about you tell me its nothing. while your fingers, on my skin, sing a different, unheard song of Deborah?

how can I act nonchalant, When even your teddy bear awkwardly sees it 

from your wardrobe rack,

as I run paper-cuts through your back

So happy, I cant trust this and then you say you take my incredulity as a compliment anyway..

Not Me!

Remember the time when you were so in love,

And not me..?

Those late night stupid drunk calls, or care-yelling at me cuz you found a new bruise on me,

Or when you could not even type properly

Cuz I had again pissed you out of my repulsion of too much stability?

And nomatter what you did or I did, it wasn’t enough,

Cuz one of us played our relationship like a dirty football on a rainy muddy field,

And it was Not me!

And you wanted to say the precious “I love you”

But not me,

And you began saying it like you meant it, then scrubbed it till it had no meaning.

You were you or someone else, but I still liked him better,

And I was so busy being Queen bee, cuz you would let me to!

Not cuz I wanted to.

I was sure of the presence of your arms even if I would hurt you..

Now look who is winning the Mean Girls tag!

Not me.

I had you right where I liked it.. in my Inbox, In my mailbox, in my head, in my heart,

And when I would get my head together, I would drive to you;

And we would kiss like it’s 2am, like we have been drinking, all night, hard supply of booze,

When really it would be 12 in the afternoon.

Could you find those violent delights somewhere else, babe?

 Could you really want to rely on someone like I did to you?

Well, not me.

You know when you get tired of running into wrong women, and learning different names,

You know when your heart gives up new rules, new games, and new ways of fucking women’s brain,

Be sure of one thing, you could always come back to one person…

Not me! :)

I run away

I tell him he feels like home I never had, he is that soul I knew even before we ever met,

the familiar smile, that connection they say you’ld just know when you find.

He is the reason I have been bunking work, dodging friends, avoiding going out till 4am.

Reality is more interesting than my dreams if I wake up to his arms.

Its good, it’s just how they told it is to be.

He got me tell him “I like you” in my drunk rapturous fit,

and then I run away in the morning so I don’t get attached to his warmth and his scent.

I got him wonder what I really want, and I tell him – Its just good, too good.  Like they showed in the movies.

It gets me scared like what if I end up catching unnecessary feelings like the dogs catch fleas..

and what if it's my heart's grave and not the flower bed I'm digging?
Why shall I waste time nurturing all these plants 
when there's 50% chances of somebody else walking away with my flowers.

I like the anticipation he begets in me, the hint of something dangerous, the stormy passion,
I like how unsafe my heart is around him and then I go reducing risk in my Run-Aways,
I know he hates my indecisive attitude, probably cuz he doesn't get what he is capable of doing to me..
Maybe he sees a human in his Office mirrors, maybe he really is not a super human..
I envy his mom when he says she is the only woman he has ever loved.

It could be love, and then I run away..

Its too good, like magic and I know it will vanish, like the ghost under my bed when I try to find it;

Or like Gods when somebody murders or when somebody you love is dying.

It’s good, we are each other’s human drug; I can’t run too far before I come back for my dose of him.

And just like a month back, despite the resistance we are about to give in again...

When I run away.

Undo It

And again, I got drunk and again, I missed you,
And again, wondered if you miss me too.
(A thousand times on repeat)
I know you don't and I don't know what sucks more
That I do or that you don't?

It rained tonight, I thought of you;
I skip all these love songs cuz they remind me of you.
You turned me into an asshole but still you are all I would choose,
All I like, all I hate, got your name meaning the world to me,
I hate emotions cuz they made me a servant to you.
I hate drinking cuz it reminds me of falling in love with you;
vulnerable and weak.
I, So many times, plan to change my damn number,
But then what would that do?
You know you were the world to me.
The universe and the orbit.

The most good-looking guy was a faded colour to me,
If they compared him with your crazy eyes .
Your hands were God to me, no where was heaven but in your arms,
You chose differently, and wanted to smell a different perfume.
Now you are worse than a stranger and Idk if I wanna hug you and tell you what you mean to me,
or step on you with my heels,
All I know is you were my heaven and you chose differently.

You get it from your Father

Tell me “Losers quit” 

but ages I’d been on it, and there was not a scope to win.

Tell me “People change” 

but every smart person knows it’s just an escape from comprehending bitter things!

Now that I am all out of like with you, and my world doesn’t orbit around those silly million lies,

I see how you had me addicted to those heavy-weight arms and the way they held me at nights,

Yeah you had the green eyes charm, you were a terrible disease,

No wonder you always had me love you long after you'ld leave,

Maybe you get it from your father, they say boys do,

You know it better, cuz you happen to be one of them too!

Well you can’t shit-treat someone and demand spotless reputation,

When you were always the one holding the lighter whenever jungles caught fire,

We all know you got some crazy and its probably deeper than you would have wanted.

And now that I have over done my time, I can’t imagine what was nice about those eyes,

You had me waiting on a false promise that you later abandoned, like everything in your life,

And now that I have been too long here, I know I shoulda also walked off.. day I met you,

Well, Maybe you get it from your father, they say boys do,

You know it better, cuz you happen to be one of them too!

No Surprises

I have been in this storm for a lifetime, and Its become a home to me,

I was hoping we could make it a little less volatile, a little less lonely;

But we were burning bridges and hoping it would light the path to move on,

And then I turned around and saw I had left back my heart.

I wish there was an easy way to what I want, but there’s no way at all,

I want what I reproach, I resent what I want.

God knows, I tried to make it look pretty, lace this in pearls

In result, the wounds didn’t heal and it increased the hurt,

So I'm letting it all out in the open, and it feels like I can’t fucking feel,

There’s no surprise, people don’t come out of storms as they were last seen.

Love is weak

And I thought of you when the stars came out

And thought of you when the stars lost their shine,

I thought of you a micro second after I woke up,

And I thought of you till I lost whatever sanity was left of my mind.

I thought of you when I battled through these lonely traffic-roads,

Like I covered the distance between us, again, this time.

Funny how you lived in my heart this long yet acted unaware all this while.

And I learnt what most take forever to learn,

A diamond would be of no value to a dog,

I learnt Love is weak, It makes one weak,

It makes you your most vulnerable,

It makes you carry people with you everywhere you lead,

That my arms are heavy and my muscles bleed,

And I find myself drowning in the oceans I was never supposed to see.

They become denizens in you like the blood in your veins, 
In your heart so long they reside, It estranges you from your heart, making it a stranger to your body.

Just a bloody organ; self-destructive and weak.

Bring Her Home

He wished he would have meant when he said he loved her,

He wished he had not, when he blurted he couldn’t,

The silent thoughts in his mind were screaming to be let go,

The type that hid the violent truths that could bring her home.

He wondered if she held the same poetic passion for another,

The type to give someone those cinematic powers to hurt her,

Like she gave him, Like he hurt her..

Over trivial affairs, over the hypothetical loss of one another,

over his attempt of having trivial affairs.

Albeit Another is coming, and another was here last night,

The only difference remaining, he wishes he was kissing her smile.

Another pair of beautiful hands held, another girl drunk on her toes,

Another one enters his door, and he wishes he could bring her home.

Now he lies in his bed, wondering if someone else lies in his bed, 

listening to her footsteps in the kitchen.

With her hands on utensils, they cannot cook; but she will not listen.

He wishes someone puts an end to all these wishes & memories running on loop,

wishes someone puts this girl to sleep, who is in his bed; and gives him a pill too.

He wishes someone would pull him out of this darkness, perhaps make sense to how his life got so hollow.

He wishes if someone can see her, will tell her how, in company, he feels alone;

but someone who will meet her will also want to bring her home.

Demons and Ghosts

Blame anyone, not me when you see I moved on,

I wrestled, like my Life depended on it, with my demons 

and your skeletons but they were never long gone.

When you laughed at me later, was when I noticed your shirt was far from bloody

while mine was dripping of my sweat and their blood.

Now I don’t know who you were or I was

or if the nights were always this long and empty; and morning Sun always jumped out to eat us?

Were words of strangers always so similar; and did they teach in Schools to love in halves?

Was being cold the only way to survive; and did the world always depend on chemicals than on people?

Times of ink and paper have gone, and our’s has fled too.

I write with my laptop, Technology feels not very romantic..

But Romance was the jungle I burnt much before I was out of the woods.

I never wonder how you must be doing, or if you dedicate a second to me.

Maybe because the ghost of your absence, the angels of your memories meet me, enough.

Enough for me to remember the perfume I’d wear before I felt the touch of your fingers on my skin,

Enough to remember your habits that gave my heart those creases I chose to leave & begin again,

Enough for me to remember the sound your laughter made when something amused your tiny brain,

Enough for me to remember my city is not the residence of your face, but Derby.

My eyes see all of you in every place, and it’s such a rush

to still have you in me, so much.

So much that you never left.

You are always here

That I hear you whisper, everynight, you wish you were here

to my almost sleeping ears.

I say I love you

How can I say I love you, When my heart is as cold as an Ice cream cone?

How can I say I love you,  when I've said it to another before?

How can I say I love you, When its but a mood or a word or a haux?

How can I say I love you When you've said it to me before you let me go.

How can I say its forever, When my brain tells me its fucking not,

How can I say its forever, with your name on my heart and a curse on my lips?

How can I say it’s forever, without your hand in my hand but still the reason for my lack of sleep?

How to ever say it’s forever, When its never forever for anybody else?

How can I say its forever, It will only be a disgusting bitter joke.

How can I say its forever, When forever's today last for 6 months or maybe give it a month more.

Don't call me bitter or damaged or hurt or torn,

I'm not a cynic, nor heartless, nor in a war mode,

I'm wise, I'm a realist, I survive.

I take pride in being able to walk away.

I am with you, but my bags are always packed in the car, in the driveway.

I take pride in being able to dig my feelings under the earth just as well as you,

I take pride in being in control of my emotions, in not being a fool

To the shallow worldly games of people who have nothing better to do.

People like you.

Coffins of Dead Loves

When I was little I craved for a feeling that could not be described

Like a colour that cant be explained;

A man that cant be sought out

A moral not easily attained.

I thought Life was easy, and I know it is;

But I believed in humanity and wrongfully yet, I believed in humans,

I saved the left over emotions, after a lost love’s departure, in a box in my heart..

Over the years, there was no room for another love to be placed

Love didn’t live here, numerous coffins of dead loves were there,

The former lovers didn’t return to take these memories back

Or these remainder of feelings that were banished to be practiced.

Now I know they didn’t need them just as much as I didn’t.

I decided to drown these boxes, they were only demons in my heart,

They were eating me from within and putting an end to any new start,

They gave me violet bruise of a fever or two, or scarlet of cynical fury,

They made my brown eyes blue and my emotions gray- empty,

Now I remember to forget about these boxes everyday,

and my demons have one less toy to play with and Its not me in their chains,

I am at calm with myself, not enamored of the worldly ways of right and wrong.

Not putting up with a moral-less man or his lecherous thoughts,

Just because I have been brought up in a world

where a woman should have a man’s arm,

That arm is not for me, That arm is too impure for my soul

I know better than the world; for it will only leave stains of dirt on my heart,

Now I am feeling white followed by soft sunrise yellow

Turquoise and magenta of Rainbows.

Delightedly Blind

Course I lost myself in those eyes, 

course I struggled with my cynicism and lost my mind,

Wrote you so many songs, although they called me blind,

So maybe I wasn't really blind?

I never would have given in to anybody less than a hero,

But you were never less than one,

I don’t know, so now, what is this feeling that I’m feeling,

Like maybe we are just done.

One second you are the one for me, one second forever-s are a fucking joke,

But every day, since June, came in with your name 

and every night bid farewell thinking of you.

Maybe cynicism bit me in the skull, maybe I lost the ability to love
Maybe my powers gave up to those overwhelming emotions?

Feels like a pessimist’s faith in the silver lining would have lasted longer

Longer than my trust in you, look what fool I made of us..

You are the one that detrimentally drives me crazy, unaware

and promotes me to fall sleep, as you play with my hair,

But I would be even crazier… I would be worse than out of my fucking mind

If I let you go.. if I let you go with some girl you find.

Cuz then who knows how she would treat you?

I can't let you go through that 

Forgot to tell you, Today I got a phone call.. God was on the line

He said to let you know that He told me, You are mine,

You are the one with little or no compassion to my sufferings,

But you are the one that enlightens me 
when you make me delightedly blind.

Ordinary Love

The cold wind doesn’t freeze me anymore 

when you are walking next to me,

I am not scared of your frozen heart cuz it’s not locked, 

sometimes you hand me the key,

So much symmetry lost already, so much time blinked away,

But we were never meant for Ordinary love baby,

Our kind of love doesn’t foment - to just exist.

I have expressed my luck to have met you, 20 times or more,

And sat alone to realize it by myself, tenfold.

Now I see you in the Moon, meet you in the saccharine love songs,

Your turbulent patterns in our nest leave ruffled hair and embraced bones,

the drizzle of our fire leave beautiful scars on my soul.

The talk we have, I, unwearyingly, repeat it to people,

And crack your stupid dry jokes and imagine your stupid giggle,

And now my frequent dreams bring you around with your composed countenance;

and now the sleeplessness is You,

Like when your strong untangled morals get too overwhelming for my own good,

And make me sketch, in words, the outlines of You.